"Because you have turned from the God who can save you. You have forgotten the Rock who can hide you." Isaiah 17:10
"Even now my witness is in heaven. My advocate is there on high. My friends scorn me, but I pour out my tears to God." Job 16:19-20
"Guard your heart above all else, for it determines the course of your life." Proverbs 4:23
"I want you to show love, not offer sacrifices. I want you to know me more than I want burnt offerings." Hosea 6:6
"They traded the truth about God for a lie. So they worshipped and served the thing God created instead of the Creator himself, who is worthy of eternal praise! Amen." Romans 1:25
"Let all that I am wait quietly before God, for my hope is in Him." Psalm 62:5
Something that has been testing me lately is my ability to not only be content in my life, but to focus on the Lord in the valley. It's no secret that 2013 was quite the unlucky year for me. I'm pretty sure just about anyone who was around me then could tell. However, I am trying to put this all behind me. That is why this past New Year's just felt absolutely freeing. I felt as if I was a new person, and to be honest, I have been kinda acting like one.
This past semester being back at school has been one of my best. I started reading my Bible daily (I read one Psalm, one Proverb, and a chapter from whatever book I am working through). I realized being in a New Testament class last semester that I am so unaware of what the Bible says, and that kinda scared me. I feel as if I cannot truly know the Yahweh I want to know without reading His word. So I have started working my way through the Old Testament (can you tell by the verses I quoted? (; ). Nothing has been super earth shattering just yet, but I am really enjoying being able to sit and quiet the world swirling around me and be with my Lord.
I have also started doing many other activities this semester. I have started taking weekly Zumba and Hip-Hop Fitness classes at a gym/community center that Bethel has a plan through. It has been so beautiful dancing twice a week. Honestly I know that I am a terrible dancer, but let me tell you I was made to dance. Weeks where my roommate and I have to skip for some reason always makes me a little blue. Some of my happiest moments throughout the week are in that dance room just letting go of all my cares and all of my fears. I have no worry about what a fool I look like or how much better people are than me. There is literally a smile on my face the whole hour. It is my favorite. Oh, also my roommate and I decided to join the gospel choir at our school! We have only had one rehearsal so far, but I can tell I am going to love it!
I am continuing to meet with one of my mentors, Roberta. That is fun. She always has something witty to say when I tell her about my week. I have also joined another Bible study in my dorm. I am in a group of about five girls and we are working through the armor of God passage in Ephesians 6. We read a verse or two a week and just talk about what it means to have the armor of God. It has been great getting to know some girls in my dorm better. I am really happy with how that is going.
Now after all that I've said you may be thinking, "so weren't you saying something about how difficult it was to be content?" and trust my I'm getting there! I am content in areas in my life but I wanted to add some other areas in here to remind myself of how blessed I am. Things are going really well in my life. The area that I am learning to be content in is my love life (big surprise coming from me, I know). I have been single for a year now. Just about 90% of the time I am absolutely okay with it. I know that this is where I am supposed to be and that's okay. But don't we all know that in those moments the enemy knows how to grab a foothold of you and causes you to doubt. There are definitely moments where I stop and think "why am I alone?" "what about me God?". It's especially difficult being around people who are in love or who are falling for someone. Lonely hearts club here I come!
There have been moments lately where I start to have feelings for someone or see someone attractive, its only natural. That's where the devil sneaks in. He starts to whisper lies about how lonely I am, how I will never be loved, how much better I would be with them, how they will never want me. Want to know the saddest part? I believe him.
I have been reading Redeeming Love by: Francine Rivers lately (because everyone and their mother has recommended it to me) and it is a beautiful recreating of Hosea. It follows the story of Angel, a prostitute, that is so cold and broken inside that she believes that men are only good for using women however they please. One day she encounters a man, Michael Hosea, who is struck by his love for her. The Lord gave him the message that Angel was to be his wife. That didn't make a lot of sense to anyone. A prostitute and a farmer? How would that ever work?
[SPOILER ALERT] Angel and Michael marry and this causes a lot of tension because Angel wanted nothing to do with men because every other man in her life used her. She stays with Michael for a while and finally flees when she gets the chance. God tells Michael to go back after her. He is able to bring her back after much fight. Over the time they spend together and the constant grace Michael gives her, Angel begins to fall in love with him. She had grown up seeing her mother love a man who never cared for her and Angel vowed to never be like that. So her new found love for Michael obviously scared her and yup, you guessed it! She left once again. God told Michael to go back again and get her. He convinces her that the love they share is not wrong. It is what God intended for them. She decided to return with him because her love for him caused her to desperately long for him that she could not be without him. They are happy again and in love. Angel begins to in her own way become so consumed with him that she almost worshiped him. They spend more time together and Michael tries to tell Angel about God, but she will have nothing to do with Him. He has done nothing good in her life so why should she even bother? She lets Michael read to her from the Bible, but she is more in love and memorized by the sound of his voice than the words he is speaking. She begins to realize that no matter how much she loves Michael she is not the right wife for Him. She is unable to give him everything he needs. Angel decided to leave him again for a third and final time. She plans the night before to spend every last second with Michael to tuck into her memory. Michael can tell by the look in her eye that she is going to leave again. This wrecks him. He pleads to God asking what he should do. The Lord tell him to let her go. That just baffles Michael. God was the one who told him to marry her and to love her and now he was just supposed to let her go? After she leaves he is filled with anger and with sadness. He cannot understand why God would leave him in this moment. Then God gives Michael the truth. This is the part that really hit me. God finally says "'You shall have no other gods before me.' That can't be right. Michael's anger grew. 'When have I worshiped anyone but you?' He raged again. 'I've followed you all my life. I've never put anyone before you.' Hands fisted, he wept. 'I love her, but I never made her my god.' In the calm that followed his angry torrent of words, Michael heard - and finally understood. 'You became hers.'"
Wow oh wow, did that sound familiar. I know what it means to make other gods. As I have been reading through the Old Testament I see the story of Israel and I feel as if I am seeing my own life play out. God brought me out of slavery and what do I do? I find another idol to serve. It sounds so stupid to say aloud. Why would I ever reject Him? The one who truly loves me! And yet it happens so quickly and silently. Little by little you slip away until it takes you whole. I heard a quote by Philip Yancey yesterday that said, "When lesser gods attract, Christ withdraws, honoring our fatal freedom to ignore Him". Isn't that terrifying? I have been in this place where I am realizing that this is the reason I need to be single. I have trouble staying true to The Lord. I want to be in love with Him. I am working so hard to be, but I am not there yet. This is why when the devil whispers I wonder, "what else is out there?"
I honestly believe that God has someone waiting for me down at the end of the line, but I think to be honest, He is jealous. I have looked just about everywhere else but at my God to find happiness, meaning, and love.
At this past Onething conference that I went to I was able to go to the prophecy room. I was told exactly what I was going through by women who knew nothing about me. God was whispering in their ears all the thoughts He had for me. It was crazy and absolutely awesome. So one woman was telling me that it may feel as if I'm crying out saying "why is this happening to me? why are You doing this to my heart?", which it honestly has been. Then she said that He wants the response of my heart to chase after Him. He wants me to search Him out. He is giving me the ability to walk through this valley so that I will not turn my head left or right and not letting my heart be swayed, but keeping it focused on Him. So that I will come out as one leaning on her Beloved. I will come out with a peace and a confidence of who I am and who He has called me to be.
Every time I think about those thoughts of my Yahweh I am so mad at myself for listening to that dumb devil. I am doing to come out of this valley with my Beloved. I am done making idols in my life. There shall be no other God before Him.
Now saying all these pretty words and feeling all puffed up about the Big Guy fighting for me is truly great. It really is. But that doesn't make it any easier in the day to day. I have to constantly tell myself that I am not in this place to look for another temporary fix. I do not need another band-aid for this broken heart. I am looking for the Healer of all healers. So I cannot be swayed by pretty faces and compliments from guys who will mean nothing to me. Men who may even be really good for me, like Michael was for Angel, they can still become idols (Is it just me or does that freak anyone else out?). This is why I am relying on God. I am working to learn more and more about Him so that one day I will understand what all of these trials have meant and I will come out in love with my Creator. I may have to remind myself day after day why I am doing this, but in the end I know it will be worth it. As for now, I will wait quietly before Yahweh without turning my head to the left or to the right.
"Even now my witness is in heaven. My advocate is there on high. My friends scorn me, but I pour out my tears to God." Job 16:19-20
"Guard your heart above all else, for it determines the course of your life." Proverbs 4:23
"I want you to show love, not offer sacrifices. I want you to know me more than I want burnt offerings." Hosea 6:6
"They traded the truth about God for a lie. So they worshipped and served the thing God created instead of the Creator himself, who is worthy of eternal praise! Amen." Romans 1:25
"Let all that I am wait quietly before God, for my hope is in Him." Psalm 62:5
Something that has been testing me lately is my ability to not only be content in my life, but to focus on the Lord in the valley. It's no secret that 2013 was quite the unlucky year for me. I'm pretty sure just about anyone who was around me then could tell. However, I am trying to put this all behind me. That is why this past New Year's just felt absolutely freeing. I felt as if I was a new person, and to be honest, I have been kinda acting like one.
This past semester being back at school has been one of my best. I started reading my Bible daily (I read one Psalm, one Proverb, and a chapter from whatever book I am working through). I realized being in a New Testament class last semester that I am so unaware of what the Bible says, and that kinda scared me. I feel as if I cannot truly know the Yahweh I want to know without reading His word. So I have started working my way through the Old Testament (can you tell by the verses I quoted? (; ). Nothing has been super earth shattering just yet, but I am really enjoying being able to sit and quiet the world swirling around me and be with my Lord.
I have also started doing many other activities this semester. I have started taking weekly Zumba and Hip-Hop Fitness classes at a gym/community center that Bethel has a plan through. It has been so beautiful dancing twice a week. Honestly I know that I am a terrible dancer, but let me tell you I was made to dance. Weeks where my roommate and I have to skip for some reason always makes me a little blue. Some of my happiest moments throughout the week are in that dance room just letting go of all my cares and all of my fears. I have no worry about what a fool I look like or how much better people are than me. There is literally a smile on my face the whole hour. It is my favorite. Oh, also my roommate and I decided to join the gospel choir at our school! We have only had one rehearsal so far, but I can tell I am going to love it!
I am continuing to meet with one of my mentors, Roberta. That is fun. She always has something witty to say when I tell her about my week. I have also joined another Bible study in my dorm. I am in a group of about five girls and we are working through the armor of God passage in Ephesians 6. We read a verse or two a week and just talk about what it means to have the armor of God. It has been great getting to know some girls in my dorm better. I am really happy with how that is going.
Now after all that I've said you may be thinking, "so weren't you saying something about how difficult it was to be content?" and trust my I'm getting there! I am content in areas in my life but I wanted to add some other areas in here to remind myself of how blessed I am. Things are going really well in my life. The area that I am learning to be content in is my love life (big surprise coming from me, I know). I have been single for a year now. Just about 90% of the time I am absolutely okay with it. I know that this is where I am supposed to be and that's okay. But don't we all know that in those moments the enemy knows how to grab a foothold of you and causes you to doubt. There are definitely moments where I stop and think "why am I alone?" "what about me God?". It's especially difficult being around people who are in love or who are falling for someone. Lonely hearts club here I come!
There have been moments lately where I start to have feelings for someone or see someone attractive, its only natural. That's where the devil sneaks in. He starts to whisper lies about how lonely I am, how I will never be loved, how much better I would be with them, how they will never want me. Want to know the saddest part? I believe him.
I have been reading Redeeming Love by: Francine Rivers lately (because everyone and their mother has recommended it to me) and it is a beautiful recreating of Hosea. It follows the story of Angel, a prostitute, that is so cold and broken inside that she believes that men are only good for using women however they please. One day she encounters a man, Michael Hosea, who is struck by his love for her. The Lord gave him the message that Angel was to be his wife. That didn't make a lot of sense to anyone. A prostitute and a farmer? How would that ever work?
[SPOILER ALERT] Angel and Michael marry and this causes a lot of tension because Angel wanted nothing to do with men because every other man in her life used her. She stays with Michael for a while and finally flees when she gets the chance. God tells Michael to go back after her. He is able to bring her back after much fight. Over the time they spend together and the constant grace Michael gives her, Angel begins to fall in love with him. She had grown up seeing her mother love a man who never cared for her and Angel vowed to never be like that. So her new found love for Michael obviously scared her and yup, you guessed it! She left once again. God told Michael to go back again and get her. He convinces her that the love they share is not wrong. It is what God intended for them. She decided to return with him because her love for him caused her to desperately long for him that she could not be without him. They are happy again and in love. Angel begins to in her own way become so consumed with him that she almost worshiped him. They spend more time together and Michael tries to tell Angel about God, but she will have nothing to do with Him. He has done nothing good in her life so why should she even bother? She lets Michael read to her from the Bible, but she is more in love and memorized by the sound of his voice than the words he is speaking. She begins to realize that no matter how much she loves Michael she is not the right wife for Him. She is unable to give him everything he needs. Angel decided to leave him again for a third and final time. She plans the night before to spend every last second with Michael to tuck into her memory. Michael can tell by the look in her eye that she is going to leave again. This wrecks him. He pleads to God asking what he should do. The Lord tell him to let her go. That just baffles Michael. God was the one who told him to marry her and to love her and now he was just supposed to let her go? After she leaves he is filled with anger and with sadness. He cannot understand why God would leave him in this moment. Then God gives Michael the truth. This is the part that really hit me. God finally says "'You shall have no other gods before me.' That can't be right. Michael's anger grew. 'When have I worshiped anyone but you?' He raged again. 'I've followed you all my life. I've never put anyone before you.' Hands fisted, he wept. 'I love her, but I never made her my god.' In the calm that followed his angry torrent of words, Michael heard - and finally understood. 'You became hers.'"
Wow oh wow, did that sound familiar. I know what it means to make other gods. As I have been reading through the Old Testament I see the story of Israel and I feel as if I am seeing my own life play out. God brought me out of slavery and what do I do? I find another idol to serve. It sounds so stupid to say aloud. Why would I ever reject Him? The one who truly loves me! And yet it happens so quickly and silently. Little by little you slip away until it takes you whole. I heard a quote by Philip Yancey yesterday that said, "When lesser gods attract, Christ withdraws, honoring our fatal freedom to ignore Him". Isn't that terrifying? I have been in this place where I am realizing that this is the reason I need to be single. I have trouble staying true to The Lord. I want to be in love with Him. I am working so hard to be, but I am not there yet. This is why when the devil whispers I wonder, "what else is out there?"
I honestly believe that God has someone waiting for me down at the end of the line, but I think to be honest, He is jealous. I have looked just about everywhere else but at my God to find happiness, meaning, and love.
At this past Onething conference that I went to I was able to go to the prophecy room. I was told exactly what I was going through by women who knew nothing about me. God was whispering in their ears all the thoughts He had for me. It was crazy and absolutely awesome. So one woman was telling me that it may feel as if I'm crying out saying "why is this happening to me? why are You doing this to my heart?", which it honestly has been. Then she said that He wants the response of my heart to chase after Him. He wants me to search Him out. He is giving me the ability to walk through this valley so that I will not turn my head left or right and not letting my heart be swayed, but keeping it focused on Him. So that I will come out as one leaning on her Beloved. I will come out with a peace and a confidence of who I am and who He has called me to be.
Every time I think about those thoughts of my Yahweh I am so mad at myself for listening to that dumb devil. I am doing to come out of this valley with my Beloved. I am done making idols in my life. There shall be no other God before Him.
Now saying all these pretty words and feeling all puffed up about the Big Guy fighting for me is truly great. It really is. But that doesn't make it any easier in the day to day. I have to constantly tell myself that I am not in this place to look for another temporary fix. I do not need another band-aid for this broken heart. I am looking for the Healer of all healers. So I cannot be swayed by pretty faces and compliments from guys who will mean nothing to me. Men who may even be really good for me, like Michael was for Angel, they can still become idols (Is it just me or does that freak anyone else out?). This is why I am relying on God. I am working to learn more and more about Him so that one day I will understand what all of these trials have meant and I will come out in love with my Creator. I may have to remind myself day after day why I am doing this, but in the end I know it will be worth it. As for now, I will wait quietly before Yahweh without turning my head to the left or to the right.