"Worthy is the Lamb who was slain, the one who broke down the great wall of amenity and gave me His name. How gracious is my Redeemer, King Jesus, the Son of the Highest. What could I possibly give to you, but the fragrance of my hallelujah, hallelujah."

"For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weakness, but one who in every respect has been tempted as we are, yet without sin. Let us then with confidence draw near to the throne of grace, that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need." Hebrews 4:15-16

"God of mercy, sweet love of mine. I have surrendered to your design. May this offering stretch across the skies and these hallelujahs be multiplied."

"But God spoke us into being, He poured out the blood of His Son, and He filled us with His Spirit. The depths of God fill the depths of us. He is withholding nothing. He gave us all of Himself. The God of universes gave every piece of Himself for us."

I am not going to lie to you, this semester has completely worn me out and we are only at the beginning of week 6. I have never been more challenged mentally and physically like this before. I am stretched thinner than ever before. And to top it off I feel like a failure. In my classes I feel as if I am not doing enough when countless hours are poured into my work. In my social life I feel like I am neglecting the people I've always cared spending time with. In my quiet times I feel as if I cannot even come close to some sort of connection because there simply isn't time for it. Even now I am haunted by the fact that I should be doing something. Working on something productive, but to be honest with you these breaks of relaxation are the only things keeping me going.
Trust me, I feel so incredibly blessed to be at a school like Bethel that allows me to explore different schools of thought as well as allow my faith to be tested like never before. The fact that I am able to attend a school that my grandmother would only dream of going to is enough to make me feel unworthy of such an opportunity. And yet I am tired. I am run ragged. I do not feel like I should be allowed to have the title of Christian, student, daughter, sister, and friend because I have done nothing to truly honor that title lately.
And yet, even on my very worst days God still sees my value to have sent His son to die for me. I am in such a amazing position of grace that I cannot even fathom what it means to earn that. My small group leader explained it as if God no longer looks at us the way we should be seen, which is filthy by all of our continual sins against Him. He sees Christ's act of love as a filter over us. He only sees Jesus' imagine in us. I was made in the image of God and am seen in Christ's. Brittany, the failure and the most unworthy of grace was made in the image of God, Imago Dei. And you wanna hear something that is just as crazy?! That ever since Christ died for you and me He has been up there praying or us. He is sitting there whispering, singing, wailing, and interceding that we may be transformed even more into the Father's imagine. That we would continually choose Him to chase after. Even when I am at my weakest The Lord sees my value and sees my potential. What kind of love is that? Who am I to worship someone as great as that? I am left in awe.

"We ain't picture perfect, but we worth the picture still"
"All hands in the air and don't have a care when her songs on the radio. A little crazy with a blue jean tear, gets a RayBan's stare just about everywhere we go. She likes to get down, sippin' on coke and smiles (edited version tehe), Jesus and gypsy soul. Yeah, that's how she rocks, that's how she rolls."
"The more we let God take us over, the more truly ourselves we become - because He made us."

Now that we are halfway through September I feel as if I should give some sort of summer wrap up post. Considering I am back at school and have been for three weeks... sorry guys I am a procrastinator. I cannot believe how quickly the days and months pasted. I swore it was May last week. As quickly as this summer moved I think it is one that I am quite proud of. This has been a summer of challenges and of happiness. There is has been so many amazing things that have happened and a lot of mundane things that I found just that much more beautiful than I ever have before.

To be honest, I think this summer has been one of the happiest and healthiest (emotionally anyways ;) ) I have had in a while. I have found what it means to be happy on my own. Now this may seem quite ordinary for anyone else, but for someone who lived most of her life waiting for someone else to be the source of my happiness this was not an easy task. The Lord opened my heart to all new experiences this summer that let me take chances to try things that made my heart sing. There is absolutely nothing better than hearing that melody. Once you realize why you were designed to love certain things and you actually embrace them you will never want to go back to what you thought made you happy.

Even though this summer was filled with all the greatness of happiness it was not except of its hardships. First, many of you (the like 5 people who read this, shout out to yall!) knew that I was planning on going to Kenya in May for a small missions trip with some students from my college. However, due to some civil unrest in the capitol it was decided that it was not safe enough to go. I was pretty upset at the news. I locked myself in my grandmothers room while I cried and watched the season finale of Grey's Anatomy because I just wanted to be alone to cry.
It was something that I was beyond excited to be apart of and that I had prepared for emotionally for months. Africans have always been dear to me and after taking an African Literature and Film class last year I feel even deeper in love. It was like the Kenya trip was perfect for me. The people of Kenya have this joy that is so infectious. I've watched numerous films on their lives and history and each time I craved to go and be immersed into their culture and possibly get to feel their joy. I was also super excited to be apart of the medical camp we were going to work alongside. I am not an aspiring doctor or nurse, but I do appreciate medicine and the care physicians put in. Overall, I was just crushed that I would not be present for any of this.
After I let myself cry for an hour I started to think more rationally. It was incredibly unsafe for a group of twenty primarily white Americans to be traveling in a hostile foreign country. I did learn that the medical camp went on without us and that the Kenyans in that area stepped up more than ever to put it on. It made my mama-like heart proud. I know that God had something worked up His sleeve from the beginning. Though I have yet to see its fruit I am trying to trust the Lord through His will.

Another challenge this summer brought was that I decided to start serving on my church's tech team. I have never been a "techie", so when my sister suggested it I wasn't sure but I tried anyways. I decided to try my hand at media, which is basically being in charge of all that is projected during service. I wasn't sure how difficult the work would be, but I figured I would figure it all out. It turned out to be tougher than I thought! Turns out they don't use PowerPoint, but Pro presenter. I have fallen in love with the program after several weeks, but it was love/hate at first.
I struggled with the technical aspects as well as my own insecurity. I quickly realised that when I made a mistake during service it was made perfectly clear to anyone watching the screen. I also had to work closely alongside the lights and sound technicians. They were all very welcoming and helpful when I needed it. Even after my worst week, where I htought I basically ruined the service they were all very encouraging and showed me where to correct my errors. I have never been apart of a ministry team I loved more. It's quite sad that I won't be able to serve on the media team again until the end of the semester because it has become so much easier and just plain old fun!

This summer I completed my very first internship! I completed 100 hours interning for the FACE-IT program. It is a residential program in which boy, age 13-17, who have been convicted of different crimes, live on this unit as a alternative to serve their sentencing. They complete schoolwork, do family therapy as well as individual and trauma therapy. It is one of the absolute coolest programs I have ever seen! There were about eight boys there and I was able to sit in on their experience in the program, get to know some of them, and even help tutor some of them. It was an interesting experience and one of my favorite parts of this summer. It was my first adult work experience of waking up for a 9-5 and putting on the business casual. The dress code was a challenge at first. Most jobs I have had in the past either had a very casual dress code or a uniform, so this was new. This internship was also special because you had to be aware of how your clothes fit. Being a woman working with teenage boys you had to be aware of how tight or low anything was sitting. I even experienced this when during one of my last weeks a participant said under his breath that I had a "fatty", which if you are not fluent in current ghetto speech means a big butt. It was quite embarrassing even if it was only said between two people. It reminded me of the reality of the job.
I loved seeing not only the work done in the unit, but the teamwork done throughout the whole detention center. Everyone worked together there as a team. I enjoyed getting to see a snippet of that. I was also able to see many things and learn many thing I would've never experienced. I honestly could go on and on about my internship, it was just that good. Everyone I worked with taught me something special that I hope to take with me forever.

Overall, I just think the greatest aspect of this summer of realizing all of those people around me who just truly love me. It's funny how you have so many people who are just apart of your life and you rarely think of the impact they've made on you.
A friend of mine from high school is not the type of girl you would picture me being friends with. We have very different styles and ways that we live our lives. Most people who find out we are still friends are surprised that we hang out together because we are so different, and yet here we are. Two years since graduating high school and we still meet up whenever we get the chance. Part of the reason is because this girl has the biggest heart. She loves on people more than I've seen some Christians do. She has always been there for me and willing to do anything for me when I needed it. I am so blessed to have maintained such a strong friendship with someone so different from me.
There are also numerous people from church who are constantly praying for me and encouraging me. I could not tell you how much I love my church. Forreal though, I have never seen a church body as united as we are. I know this sounds boastful but its the truth! My church body is fierce! They are such an amazing group of believers that understand you wherever you are in life. They love on your regardless of how you treat them. I was honored this summer to serve alongside them.

This summer taught me to live in the moment. I learned so much from so many different people and experiences. I was embracing what it meant to be Brittany and I loved every minute. There were moments when I was driving home in my '97 Volvo with the sunroof open just letting the air run through my hair and my music blaring where I just breathed in how beautiful my life truly is. I may have moments of doubts and hardships, but those moments where I see how much Christ has in store for my future and how much transformation He has done, I am in awe of it all. I am in awe that I live the life I do and am anticipating what is next. But until then, I am embracing the spectacular now.

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