Hi everyone! So in the spirit of the New year and much like everyone else I have reflected on this past year. As I have thought about it I have become almost angry. Not because of the year or any events in particular, but I am just left upset because I felt as if 2014 was the year that I have given myself most to God, not that it is much in comparison to what I can do but still. Anyways I feel as if I truly sought to go after God and look for His truths. But somehow I am in the questioning stage. I keep coming back here because I just cannot say without a shadow of a doubt that I love God. I also cannot understand His love for me. I have been told my whole life that He loves me but it rarely feels real. I know all the party lines or Christian-ese about what to say when people ask you about Jesus, but to be blatantly honest with you, if someone asked me about my love for Jesus I would have to say that I am figuring that out everyday. It causes me to question if I am truly a believer on my own. I have been in this environment for so long that it makes me wonder if this was ever my choice.
I see people I respect who are so in love with God and the way they talk about Him and I want that. They do not care about what other people think of them because they are only after one approval. They speak His word and know the truth. Then I see other people who call themselves Christians but their lives do not show what they speak. It just makes me so angry because these people are both calling themselves followers and yet live such radically different lives. That causes me to wonder what it even means to be a Christian. I want to call myself to be a real Christian. Someone who lives and breathes the Word because He is the Word. I want to ache from loving Him so much. But I'm not there. I don't know what His love is and I don't completely trust Him. I literally have the faith of a mustard seed.
I tried out this whole trust thing this year in something practical, school. I was in Research Methods this semester. I got to rock bottom of my stress and my mother told me to just give it to God. He knows the plans He has. If that was to fail that test, then that was what it was. After that breakthrough I felt so much more peace about the class. I am not saying it was easy but it was doable. I also found a new way of worshipping God through my ability to study and my time management for that specific course.
Now as I sit here and think of all the other classes I have yet to take and how my whole life is just lying ahead of me I am having trouble doing the same. How do I just give that up to this invisible entity that I rarely feel a personal connection to? This invisible guy who people think I am insane for even trying to talk to. And how do I give up more than just the practical stuff? Like my relationships, my emotions, etc? Will I be able to trust Him in that?
I have heard over and over again by people that I need to be in the word (I think Francis Chan makes a great case for the Word here). I completely agree in that I need to find a way to connect with God. Yes I can connect when I listen to songs, but that's what they are made for. When I sit and listen to His word and see the faith of those people who have gone before me I am just in awe of Him. Those are some of the times that I feel that love I still don't understand. If you can take anything from this failure of a person is that though I may question my faith in comparison to those around me, the word is never wrong. His love is there whether I completely understand it now or not.
I see people I respect who are so in love with God and the way they talk about Him and I want that. They do not care about what other people think of them because they are only after one approval. They speak His word and know the truth. Then I see other people who call themselves Christians but their lives do not show what they speak. It just makes me so angry because these people are both calling themselves followers and yet live such radically different lives. That causes me to wonder what it even means to be a Christian. I want to call myself to be a real Christian. Someone who lives and breathes the Word because He is the Word. I want to ache from loving Him so much. But I'm not there. I don't know what His love is and I don't completely trust Him. I literally have the faith of a mustard seed.
I tried out this whole trust thing this year in something practical, school. I was in Research Methods this semester. I got to rock bottom of my stress and my mother told me to just give it to God. He knows the plans He has. If that was to fail that test, then that was what it was. After that breakthrough I felt so much more peace about the class. I am not saying it was easy but it was doable. I also found a new way of worshipping God through my ability to study and my time management for that specific course.
Now as I sit here and think of all the other classes I have yet to take and how my whole life is just lying ahead of me I am having trouble doing the same. How do I just give that up to this invisible entity that I rarely feel a personal connection to? This invisible guy who people think I am insane for even trying to talk to. And how do I give up more than just the practical stuff? Like my relationships, my emotions, etc? Will I be able to trust Him in that?
I have heard over and over again by people that I need to be in the word (I think Francis Chan makes a great case for the Word here). I completely agree in that I need to find a way to connect with God. Yes I can connect when I listen to songs, but that's what they are made for. When I sit and listen to His word and see the faith of those people who have gone before me I am just in awe of Him. Those are some of the times that I feel that love I still don't understand. If you can take anything from this failure of a person is that though I may question my faith in comparison to those around me, the word is never wrong. His love is there whether I completely understand it now or not.
Something that seems to be a running theme for me is that as distant as I do feel from Him, He always finds a way to remind me that He loves me even though it makes no sense to me. It's in those small acts in which I remember why I am holding on through these uncertainties. One of the reasons I love John Mark McMillan's writing of How He Loves is because of the debated lyric of "sloppy wet" or "unforeseen" kisses. I believe in the sloppy wet. Kisses that are just overwhelming filled with love. To put it into daily life, He loves me with the sloppy wet kisses you get from your grandmother who spoils you so. The sloppy wet kisses you get from the dog that is just happy to see you. It is not always clean or simple and usually includes me in tears, but He reminds me. But even as I am sobbing I am awaiting at His feet giving Him sloppy wet kisses because even though I am questioning that mustard seed longs for Him. I would love to say it happens daily and that I all the answers now. I don't, but a long and steady chase is what I am after. I am going after my bridegroom and He is worth the effort no matter how many times I fail to understand or fail to serve Him. I may never understand His love but thank goodness He has given me a mind to search the answers out! I hope for the day that I am no longer just speaking the party lines of His love and my trust but that I am truly living out His Word.