to the year that is now behind us

Hi everyone! So in the spirit of the New year and much like everyone else I have reflected on this past year. As I have thought about it I have become almost angry. Not because of the year or any events in particular, but I am just left upset because I felt as if 2014 was the year that I have given myself most to God, not that it is much in comparison to what I can do but still. Anyways I feel as if I truly sought to go after God and look for His truths. But somehow I am in the questioning stage. I keep coming back here because I just cannot say without a shadow of a doubt that I love God. I also cannot understand His love for me. I have been told my whole life that He loves me but it rarely feels real. I know all the party lines or Christian-ese about what to say when people ask you about Jesus, but to be blatantly honest with you, if someone asked me about my love for Jesus I would have to say that I am figuring that out everyday. It causes me to question if I am truly a believer on my own. I have been in this environment for so long that it makes me wonder if this was ever my choice.

I see people I respect who are so in love with God and the way they talk about Him and I want that. They do not care about what other people think of them because they are only after one approval. They speak His word and know the truth. Then I see other people who call themselves Christians but their lives do not show what they speak. It just makes me so angry because these people are both calling themselves followers and yet live such radically different lives. That causes me to wonder what it even means to be a Christian. I want to call myself to be a real Christian. Someone who lives and breathes the Word because He is the Word. I want to ache from loving Him so much. But I'm not there. I don't know what His love is and I don't completely trust Him. I literally have the faith of a mustard seed.

I tried out this whole trust thing this year in something practical, school. I was in Research Methods this semester. I got to rock bottom of my stress and my mother told me to just give it to God. He knows the plans He has. If that was to fail that test, then that was what it was. After that breakthrough I felt so much more peace about the class. I am not saying it was easy but it was doable. I also found a new way of worshipping God through my ability to study and my time management for that specific course. 

Now as I sit here and think of all the other classes I have yet to take and how my whole life is just lying ahead of me I am having trouble doing the same. How do I just give that up to this invisible entity that I rarely feel a personal connection to? This invisible guy who people think I am insane for even trying to talk to. And how do I give up more than just the practical stuff? Like my relationships, my emotions, etc? Will I be able to trust Him in that?