"Try to imagine a life without timekeeping. You probably can't. You know the month, the year, the day of the week. There is a clock on your wall or the dashboard of your car. You have a schedule, a calendar, a time for dinner or a movie. Yet all around you, timekeeping is ignored. Birds are not late. A dog does not check its watch. Deer do not fret over passing birthdays. Man alone measures time, Man alone chimes the hour. And, because of this, man alone suffers a paralyzing fear that no other creature endures: a fear of time running out."

How true is that? We are so driven by our time that we rarely stop to enjoy it. I feel like this is honestly one of my biggest fears in life. I constantly feel the pressure of the clock on my back. Looking over the past day, shaking my head, and saying to myself "there is never enough hours in a day". I often wonder how much of the past (almost) twenty years of my life have been just wasted by my foolishness. How will I ever get that time back? Am I making the time I have worth it?
It's funny how rushed I always feel. The past weeks coming to school have really kicked into gear. It's actually taken me quite a while to even write this post (the irony). I have been trying to figure out my school and work schedule and where I can actually enjoy myself within those moments. I'm finding the balance of life slowly but surely.
It is truly amazing how much time plays into my life. I find that I am often late to anywhere I go. Not usually late to the point of being in trouble but more so late to being early. I like to be on top of my life. I am a control freak. I like to be in charge of  what happens in my life in the parts that I can be. The past year of my life was all me trying to control to the point of losing control so I hope that's done with!
Time is just something that breathes down my neck. Most of my nightmares are of being late. I am in this pursuit to get somewhere and there are all these little tasks holding me back from actually getting there. It could be what I'm going to wear to putting on my makeup to not finding the place. Its just this burning weight inside of me saying "YOU'RE LATE. YOU'RE LATE". To be honest I think it stems from my need to please people. I am obsessed with making others happy around me and I absolutely hate when something is wrong with one of my friends so I do what I can to make sure that I am never the reason behind their troubles.That is stressful in itself.
But I feel like the big scary things of life are just hiding behind my back waiting to overtake me. If it's not my friendships, it's school, or it's money, or loneliness, or my lack of time I spend with God, or work, or just about anything that will just stress me out to the point of just wanting to explode. I feel like my life is a circus act of never getting it right.
I recently chose a major. I am officially a psychology major and I am playing around with the idea of double majoring in Sociology. I am really truly happy about this choice but at the exact second that I walked out of the registrar's office a weight in my stomach fell to the bottom and I was filled with fear. Fear of making a monumentally wrong choice, yet again, and going to far to change it this time. Now I am choosing to ignore this fear because its normal right? I think this is where God wants me to be because He knows my love for people. I really think I want to be a school psychologist. I think it would be awesome to be in the schools or wherever God places me and be there to help gives kids and teens the ability to succeed. I want to give them every opportunity to be happy with their future. I keep telling this to the weight in my stomach and it shrinks a little each time. But as the days go on I wonder if I am going to waste time doing psychology here. I don't think I am but that little voice is in my ear whispering it to me.
I am trying to rise above these doubts and stress of time in my life but it is not easy. I am taking life day by day for now. I want to keep going on with psych and see how I get a feel for it and basically do the same with every aspect in my life. I know I haven't resolved any of my issues but I'm putting it in God's hands. He'll help me through it, I know it. 

"The best day of your life is the one where you decide your life is your own. No apologies or excuses. no one to lean on, rely on, or blame. The gift is yours. It is an amazing journey, and you alone are responsible for the quality of it. This is the day your life really begins."
"The only one who can truly satisfy the human heart is the one who made it."
"There are far, far better things ahead than any we leave behind."

So everyone get this, I am a sophomore in college. Can we all just let that sink that in for a minute? I actually made it here. I'm pretty excited about it too. I'm really getting into this whole "college girl" thing too (not like "girls gone wild" or anything like that - relax). I am truly starting to slowly find who I am and what this whole journey has meant to me. It's really crazy actually. After all the mess that was my freshmen year I am actually working through everything and coming out on the other side. I am starting to become truly and honestly happy again. I cannot tell you how great it feels!
Let me explain to you what has just recently happened that gave me one of the biggest revelations I've ever had. So. The other night I was reading Dreamland by Sarah Dessen. If you have never read it, I highly recommend it. It gives you a whole new look into relationships that you don't get in a typical teen romance. To put in short, Dreamland is about a girl in an abusive relationship. It's one of the most powerful books I've ever read. I could not tell you how many times I have read it, it's just that good.
Back to the story - so I was more than halfway through the book and I was getting tried so I finished a chapter and thought about how toxic some relationships could be and how we can allow ourselves to get swept up into them. Now mind you, my ex boyfriend was no where close to beating me. I am not saying that in the least bit. I was just relating to Caitlin, the main character, in the way that she started to lose herself as her relationship with Rogerson progressed. She let who she was become wrapped up in him. I just sat there and thought how that happened to me just a couple of months ago. After a minute or so I just shrugged it off and turned the light off and started to get comfy in bed. Then when I was laying there peaceful who texts me? My ex boyfriend. It was so out of the blue and I was quite surprised since I had just thought about him. At first I was reserved because of the conflicts we got into this past summer but I loosened up and it went rather well actually. We talked like we were friends and we were finally on good terms. It was nice.
So then he brings up, or rather I kinda bring up this girl he told me he put a picture up of. Turns out they had been hanging out all summer. I kinda figured he had found someone else by now, he had always been a flirt, or at least he got lonely quite often and found himself another girl to fill in. I expected to get jealous and upset over this but surprisingly I was happy. I  had a peaceful heart about it. I mean yeah there is a little pang of jealously here and there but not as bad as I thought it would be. Before when we were no longer officially dating but sort of seeing each other he told me he went on a double date and I sobbed. I know pathetic. Whatever. That's me. But now when he was talking about a girl he had feelings for all summer I was totally cool about it! That's healing for you!
We continued to talk about her for a while and he finally fell asleep on me (very typical him) and I was laying in bed listening to some worship music. Then out of no where it hit me! Matthew 6:19-21(NLT) says, "Don't store up treasures here on earth, where moths east them and rust destroys them, and where thieves break in and steal. Store you treasures in heaven, where moths and rust cannot destroy, and thieves do not break in and steal. Where your treasure is, there the desires of your heart will also be." I remember learning this verse back in Sunday school years ago but it has finally materialized into my life. I realized early on this summer that I did something terrible when I with Kevin. I realized that last year I spent so much time and energy on our relationship trying to make it work or to figure out how to keep him around that I made Kevin into some sort of god in my life. I let my one true God go to the side of my relationship. I wanted to keep Kevin around as long as I could. I was so desperate to keep him in my life I was willing to do anything, including letting the One, who actually loved me for who I was, fall to the floor. I put all of my treasures into him. I put my hopes, my dreams and my happiness in a man who could never fulfill them. He was bound to fail me, not because of who he was, but because he was human. I should've put my effort into God and looking towards him because with Him I am safe. He can give me my desires, better than any man ever could.
Once I realized this I was torn with emotions. I was sad, at first, for the way I treated my Savior who has never turned His back on me. I felt like such an idiot for letting my love for a man stop my love for He who's love never runs out on me. At the same time, I was filled with such happiness and joy. I finally felt the freedom that I am not longer bound by my ex boyfriend. He is officially in my past. I am done with him. Do you know how great that feels?! As I was explaining this all to my mother I was laughing and smiling amidst the tears.
I also began to realize what I had been hearing in my life the past couple of weeks become more audible then ever. I am making a decision to stop looking for men. I was using men to fill a void, the void that only God can truly fill. I had been hearing so many different things that are confirming that I need to leave it all to the Big Man. Let's be honest, He knows what Hes doing! He'll find me someone when He's ready to show him to me. I am focusing on pursuing the true and only lover of my soul. It is honestly a great feeling knowing that I am no longer desperately looking for someone to temporarily fill a void that is impossible to fill. God has my life in control. I don't need to look for the perfect guy or go looking to change someone because they aren't exactly right for my life. My sister told me that the man God has for me will be the man of God I need when I meet him. I believe that whole heatedly. I know my God will choose the right man and for now I can wait because I need to become a better woman of God first. So I am letting go of what I thought dating should be and my need to be involved with someone right now. It's quite a beautiful thing.
As I'm reflecting on my life as I prepare for the school year ahead, I am reminded of what a woman from my church once told me about knowing myself. She said you must know who you are and what you're worth before you let some boy come around telling you all these pretty things about you and you think he was the one who came up with it. Your Heavenly Father is the one who said these things about you before any man. Those things are true and you must know them for yourself before letting yourself believe that some man knows that more than your Creator knows it. I am so thankful for that woman's word to me. I am aways going to know who I am in the Lord and I know I don't need someone to remind me. I am letting go of negativity when I see myself. I must see myself for the way the Lord sees me.
I have also been reflecting on my friendships and the drama I had with them last year. I wanted everyone to like me and for everyone to be my friend. I am coming to the realization that not everyone is going to like me and that I need to let go of that. I need to just accept situations for what they are. Make amends with who I can and let go of those who don't want to be in my life. I cannot fix everything and everyone in my life. I am letting the pieces fall where they may.
Last year was filled with me clutching to things that would never work. Holding on to pain of failure and discontent. This year I want to let go of all those things. It's a new season in my life and I am leaving all of the past behind me. I am ready to see what's ahead of me. The Big Man has got some plans for me I know that for sure! As they say, "let go, and let God"!