to the moments of my life ticking away

"Try to imagine a life without timekeeping. You probably can't. You know the month, the year, the day of the week. There is a clock on your wall or the dashboard of your car. You have a schedule, a calendar, a time for dinner or a movie. Yet all around you, timekeeping is ignored. Birds are not late. A dog does not check its watch. Deer do not fret over passing birthdays. Man alone measures time, Man alone chimes the hour. And, because of this, man alone suffers a paralyzing fear that no other creature endures: a fear of time running out."

How true is that? We are so driven by our time that we rarely stop to enjoy it. I feel like this is honestly one of my biggest fears in life. I constantly feel the pressure of the clock on my back. Looking over the past day, shaking my head, and saying to myself "there is never enough hours in a day". I often wonder how much of the past (almost) twenty years of my life have been just wasted by my foolishness. How will I ever get that time back? Am I making the time I have worth it?
It's funny how rushed I always feel. The past weeks coming to school have really kicked into gear. It's actually taken me quite a while to even write this post (the irony). I have been trying to figure out my school and work schedule and where I can actually enjoy myself within those moments. I'm finding the balance of life slowly but surely.
It is truly amazing how much time plays into my life. I find that I am often late to anywhere I go. Not usually late to the point of being in trouble but more so late to being early. I like to be on top of my life. I am a control freak. I like to be in charge of  what happens in my life in the parts that I can be. The past year of my life was all me trying to control to the point of losing control so I hope that's done with!
Time is just something that breathes down my neck. Most of my nightmares are of being late. I am in this pursuit to get somewhere and there are all these little tasks holding me back from actually getting there. It could be what I'm going to wear to putting on my makeup to not finding the place. Its just this burning weight inside of me saying "YOU'RE LATE. YOU'RE LATE". To be honest I think it stems from my need to please people. I am obsessed with making others happy around me and I absolutely hate when something is wrong with one of my friends so I do what I can to make sure that I am never the reason behind their troubles.That is stressful in itself.
But I feel like the big scary things of life are just hiding behind my back waiting to overtake me. If it's not my friendships, it's school, or it's money, or loneliness, or my lack of time I spend with God, or work, or just about anything that will just stress me out to the point of just wanting to explode. I feel like my life is a circus act of never getting it right.
I recently chose a major. I am officially a psychology major and I am playing around with the idea of double majoring in Sociology. I am really truly happy about this choice but at the exact second that I walked out of the registrar's office a weight in my stomach fell to the bottom and I was filled with fear. Fear of making a monumentally wrong choice, yet again, and going to far to change it this time. Now I am choosing to ignore this fear because its normal right? I think this is where God wants me to be because He knows my love for people. I really think I want to be a school psychologist. I think it would be awesome to be in the schools or wherever God places me and be there to help gives kids and teens the ability to succeed. I want to give them every opportunity to be happy with their future. I keep telling this to the weight in my stomach and it shrinks a little each time. But as the days go on I wonder if I am going to waste time doing psychology here. I don't think I am but that little voice is in my ear whispering it to me.
I am trying to rise above these doubts and stress of time in my life but it is not easy. I am taking life day by day for now. I want to keep going on with psych and see how I get a feel for it and basically do the same with every aspect in my life. I know I haven't resolved any of my issues but I'm putting it in God's hands. He'll help me through it, I know it.