to my daddy

"They say death is hardest on the living. It's tough to actually say goodbye. Sometimes it's impossible. You never really stop feeling the loss. It's what makes things so bittersweet. We leave little bits of ourselves behind, little reminders, a lifetime of memories, photos, trinkets, things to remember us by even when we're gone."
"Even though it hurts so bad, I'm thankful for the time God gave me, even though He couldn't make it last. I'm learning how to live without you, even though I don't want to. And even with you gone, love lives on."
"That was the thing. You never got used to it, the idea of someone being gone. Just when you think it's reconciled, accepted, someone points it out to you and it hits you all over again, that shocking."
"As long as we can love each other, and remember the feeling of love we had, we can die without ever really going away. All the love you created is still there. All the memories are still there. You live on-in the hearts of everyone you have touched and nurtured while you were here."

Daddy sometimes it feels like you and were just together cracking jokes. Like it was just last night that I went downstairs to give you a big hug and kiss before bed. Then it feels like ages since I remembered what your voice sounded like.
It scares me to think of forgetting parts of you. I know that its been nine years, but I don't want to lose any memory I had of you just yet. If I start forgetting you now, what will happen when I turn thirty, forty, or fifty?
I am turning twenty years old in a month, Daddy. Can you believe it? Your littlest princess is growing up and leaving the teenage years behind. I wish you could've been there to see it. All the awkwardness and uncomfortableness of my teen years. It was really a sight to see. But I tried to handle it the way I know you would've - with lots of jokes. I am so glad I got that from you. The rest of them don't understand the formula of a great joke. They just don't! I've tried but it's best if it just stays between the two of us.
Sometimes I really wish you would've been there for me through all those years. Mom did well, she really did. I just wish you could've been there too. I wish I could've turned to you and told you all about my first day of high school. If you could've seen me all dress up for my first homecoming, seen me after my first shift at Jewel, seen me get my acceptance letter to college, met my first boyfriend, helped me move into my dorm room, held me through my first heart break, and seen me finally pick my major. When I see others dads around I always wish I could've gotten the chance to have mine there too.
I think what scares me is not knowing how you would've reacted to everything that's happened in the last nine years. I wish I could've seen your face when I came home telling everyone I had a boyfriend, me of all people! I really wish you would've been around so I could talk to you about him. I needed a man's perspective on it all. I hope you're proud of everything I done. I tried to be as smart, brave, and tough and you always were.
Daddy if you could only see Nicole and Melissa today you would be oh so happy at how they've grown up. They're really women now. Nicole has become someone you would have never recognized from her teen years. She is such a fierce woman of God. Nicole has such a deep love and longing for the Lord that you just wouldn't believe. You should see how much the church loves her and how much of her life she lays down for others. You taught her so well. She has gone through so much since you left and shes come out on the other side. She is smart, beautiful, determined, and so wise. She had really helped to fill in the spot you left. I know she's going to be a great mother one day just from the way she talks to me. I wish you could see her. I know you would be so proud of the woman she is and the way she's growing.
Melissa is a miracle all her own. You should see her teaching first graders in Waukegan. Teaching was always her calling and it is so beautiful to see her really doing it. I visited her classroom last month and I almost cried thinking of how proud you would be of her. She is doing what she loves and she does it so well. She is so strong and powerful, not that she wasn't when she was little! She has just blossomed into this amazing woman I never saw coming. She is so mature and wise in all she does. God has transformed her heart and I am so thankful for the way shes grown up. I know she misses you deeply and wishes you were there to see all that I wanted you to too. I can't wait to see the both of them on their wedding days and I'll be sure to give them an extra hug from you. That's what you would've wanted.
I know there'll be so many other things in my lifetime that I will wish you were there to see. I won't be glowing while telling you how my future husband proposed while you have that same smile on your face that was always so warm and welcoming. My heart always hurts when I think of my wedding day and that you won't be walking me down the isle. I won't dance with you on one of the biggest days of my life. You won't meet my children and they will never understand how you were the best tickler this world has ever seen.
I have prepared myself for these disappointments but they still come. I wish I was stronger Daddy. I should be used to this, but I don't know if I ever will. I hope you're smiling down on us all and all we've done. As sad and angry as I am that you had to leave me so early, I am still so thankful to have been given the time I was with you. You were an amazing father and I hope Nicole, Melissa, and I all show it. I love you Daddy. Thanks for being the very best man I've ever known.

love,
Britt