to falling in love again

"'Oh, but I don't feel worthy.' Of course you are not worthy! Not all your praying or obedience can ever make you worthy. Leave yourself absolutely in His hands, and see that you plunge yourself deep down in faith of the revelation that you are made one with God through the Redemption of Jesus Christ."

"To learn, you must love discipline;" Proverbs 12:1a

"Darling girl, why do you cry yourself to sleep every night praying for someone to come along and give you love? To stay up with you till three in the morning and listen attentively as you list off all of you passions, worries, burdens. To be envious of your attention. To kiss your forehead and hold you without judgement. To be there for you when you feel alone. To assure you everything will be okay and remind you that every sunrise and crashing wave is a chance to make things right. When I'm right here waiting for you with open arms, ready to replenish every empty space in your heat, because although you're imperfect and you hate the way your front tooth is slight crooked I see you perfectly. Darling girl, why haven't you opened your eyes to realize that I've been here for you all along."

"Yahweh, Yahweh, great is your glory. You go before me. Oh, we sing, 'Holy, Holy, Your ways are lovely, so high above me'. Yahweh."

I have wondered what it will feel like to fall in love again. I have always imagined what it would feel like to have someone who felt so deeply for me. What it will feel like when someone looks at me and sees their future. I know few girls who don't think about these things. I have started to find that falling in love for me might not be about a man. Not now anyways.
I have been trying to challenge myself to figure out what it means to love this invisible God that I follow. I call myself a follower of Jesus, but am I really doing it? Everyone I know who is a Christian talks about how much they love the Lord. Let's be honest when you're desperately and hopeless in love with someone all you want to do it talk about them to just about anyone who will listen. I know people who feel this way about Christ. I want to be like those people. I want to long to be in His presence daily. I want to be so in need of Him that I cannot start a day without Him there with me. As much as it pains me to admit this, I'm just not there yet. And to be completely honest, I have no idea when I'll get there.
But isn't that the beauty of falling in love?
I think falling in love should be done in whatever time it wants to happen. It could happen in a quick sweep or grow slowly over time. There are negatives to both, but there is so much good too. I'm working on my relationship with Him. As any Jesus lovers would all know, it's not easy to do this day in and day out. We live in a world that does not have Christ as it's center. We are taught to love only ourselves and things or people that will get us more love.
I've had trouble loving God because of the way I know of love. I saw the love my parents shared when I was young and I saw what romantic love felt like personally when I was in it. The problem I have with understanding the Father's love is that I have trouble understanding how long lasting it is. I am plagued with the thoughts of when the person I loved stopped loving me and when my the love of my mother's life died. Regardless comparing His love to them is just crazy. I think we as humans cannot truly understand His love until we are in the Heavenly courts with Him.
The problem is how am I to continue on in my journey to love Him while I am just a lowly sinner down on earth? Something I've been meditating on while I workout is Psalm 13:5-6. I read it over and over again until it is completely burned in my eyelids. The only way I am able to start falling in love with Christ is by trusting Him. I don't know about you, but for me it's hard to simply trust in something I cannot see. Trusting in something that I cannot manipulate and control. That honestly scares me. I want things my way and I don't mind having to take it over to get it there. So trusting the Lord sure has been a test I was not ready for.
In my small group we are studying David and his heart for God and how he trusted Him through it all. Psalm 13 opens with "O LORD, how long will you forget me? Forever? How long will you look the other way?". I have lived in that season for oh so long. I may have been attending church and a Christian school, but at the very depth of my heart I was saying these words. I went through such a season of sadness and hate and am still seeing how it has carried on until now. I have started to realize that I began hating people of my past.
I woke up this morning after a dream that included my ex boyfriend and his girlfriend and I was angry. I could not tell you why he was in my dream but there he was and I not only hated him and this girl I know nothing about, but I hated myself. I hated myself for thinking about them and for hating them. It's quite the vicious cycle. So naturally I went on with my morning trying not to think about it.
Later as I was listening to "Keep Your Eyes Open" by NEEDTOBREATHE I heard the line "Don't let the fear become the hate. Don't take the sadness to the grave." I almost broke down crying right there on the elliptical. My mentor actually pointed this out to me months ago, but looks like my stubbornness is still taking some time to understand. I live in this fear that I will never find love again. I begin to think that I will be alone forever and that scares me. So much so that I begin to hate my ex boyfriend because he not only does he no longer love me, but because he loves someone else. The craziest part of it all is that I don't want to be with him and I haven't wanted to in over a year, but here we are. I became jealous of his happiness. How screwed up is that? I need to stop this because trust me I do not want to hate him. I want to be fine and old friends one day. I am not at the point of becoming friends with him but I know that I do not want to hate him any longer. If you are in fact somehow reading this, please forgive me for hating you for so long.
In this realization I have also realized that I need to stop chasing love. I know I spoke of this on an older post (see to not looking to the left or to the right), but it turns out I need more practice at it. It has taken me a date with a nice guy, who was just that a nice guy and conversations with others men who were not who I truly saw myself being with to realize that I need to just stop. I obviously have no idea what I'm doing when it comes to looking for men so I need to leave it to the Big Guy. But before He can do all that for me I need to fall in love.
When I repeat Psalm 13:5-6 to myself I edit it here and there to see how true these words are in my life. This little passage was after David had his pity party of questioning why God had led him to this place. He knew better about the Lord he served.
"But I trust in your unfailing love" even when I do not understand why you are allowing me to feel these things. "I trust in your unfailing love" even when I cannot comprehend what love that never ends is. "I will rejoice because you have rescued me" from myself and my selfish desires. "I will rejoice because you have rescued me" even when I was filled with anger towards you. "I will rejoice because you have rescued me" for something that is beyond my wildest dreams. "I will sing to the LORD because he is good to me", has been good to me, and will continue showing His favor in my life. Falling in love to me is not just butterflies and stolen glances. Falling in love means falling and trusting that who you love will be there to catch you. Although my flesh fills me with doubt and I am constantly failing at this, I am still trusting in my God.