"Don't forget to fall in love with yourself first."

This is not a usual post, but I just want to write about how right this day was without even noticing. I woke up this morning seeing cancelled plans written across my phone and I was upset. I was excited to see a friend, but she had to work. Now I was left with a day wide open and nothing to do. I thought I was going to sulk, and yet, I found this to be the most peaceful and beautiful day I've had in a while.

Here are things I did just because I find them enjoyable:
-Finished reading The Hunger Games
-Ran
-Watched Grey's Anatomy
-Texted one of my best friends to fan girl about above mentioned
-Sat in front of the Christmas tree in all it's lit glory while watching The Hunger Games
^that may be overkill(haha, sick joke), but I just could not help myself after finishing the book
-Listened to beautiful music
-Had fro-yo with a good friend

Now mind you, running is not something I have really fallen in love with just yet. However, I did really enjoy it. I feel motivated and I felt renewed afterwards. I think one of these years I'll be head over heels for it, but for today it's simply an acquaintance.
Today was not at all what I expected or planned. For those of you reading this who know me will also know that I hate not having a plan; I would make all of daily plans a week in advance if I could! Today showed me to enjoy my break in ways that I want. To live in Kairos, in the right moment. Not in what is expected of me by myself or by others. I don't have to look towards the future for once. I am just living in this day that I had to myself. I am free to do what makes me happy. That's what it means to love yourself. I think I am getting back to that places. I am falling in love with myself again. I lost myself once and now I am embracing and celebrating all that I am.
Here's to days like today! Don't let them be too few and far between.

"The great thing to remember is that though our feelings come and go, God's love for us does not."

You know those people who seem to always have it all together? Their life always seems to work out. They have no flaw, or if they do, they never show them. They are always excelling no matter what they do. They can even seem to be a better Christian. That's the one that really gets me. It is so hard to see these people that are always so content in their lives and simply filled with joy. Now I know I have a lot of really good days. I have a great life. But isn't it just so easy to see people who are doing better than you are and wish you had what they did?
I cannot stop myself from seeing them and wondering why I am nothing like them? Why I feel like my life is always in shambles even when I'm doing great! I am no where near them, even on my best days. Why is that?
I have found that the enemy will find ways to sneak into your thoughts and try to remind you of all your faults and all of your failures. No matter how long ago you may have dealt with something or you may have thought that something may not longer bother you; the enemy will still find his way in. It's in the big and little things alike.
I find myself being envious of other people all the time, even people i have never met. I have had these dreams where I see someone who I know of but truly know nothing about, and they are just so perfect. Everything they do is smart, through out, compassionate, and beautiful. Things I find myself lacking in. It's like the enemy is trying to say "hey! You see all these characteristics this person has? Yeah well it's all you are not and all you will never be." It becomes so repeated over and over again in your mind that you begin to see it as true.
How do I let this happen to myself?
He comes in so swiftly when you think everything is going well. You're finally happy and things are looking up. Then out of no where you're reminded of your mistakes and the places you have fallen short. He makes you feel like you will never amount to anything or that you are bound to be this person that you left behind a long time ago. You thought you had grown and blossomed into this new person and it turns out that the enemy can still find a way to bring you right back to that place. That place that you swore you'd never see again. It's a dark place filled with hurt and self-hatred. It's in the very darkest and deepest part of your heart that makes you cringe to even think about it. Those feelings you cannot put into words because you're to ashamed.
That's where the Light needs to break in.
God hates all those lies you're being told. Not a single one of those things are true. You are smart. Your moves are thought out. You are compassionate. You are beautiful. You are enough. The Father sees every single nook and cranny of your little weak heart and He loves every single piece. More than any man ever can. He knows the mistakes you have made and He calls you to redemption. Stop listening to the slander that is no where near who you really are. You are called to be a princess of the Most High. Yes, you are not perfect. You're actually no where near it. But The Lord your God is. He fills in those places where you feel weak and broken. He sees all the beauty no matter how broken the image may seem in the mirror. Remember that. Those people you see probably feel exactly what you do. They could feel just like you do without expressing it out loud. Who knows what thoughts plague them at two in the morning. Most people will never tell you what's hurting them the most. Try to remember that there are others feeling just like you. Give them grace. We all have our own hidden bruises.
But you know what? At the end of the day you're enough Brittany. I know that it doesn't always feel like it. You will only find your completeness in the Lord. He is waiting for you to restore those hurt places that you let no one see. He loves you completely and endlessly. Brittany, you are more than your past. God's image of you is the only one that matters. Live to glorify Him, and only Him.

I saw that picture on pinterest and suddenly it hit me: This is what I want my life to be about. Over time I have realized what my passion is and that is people. Plain and simple. It's taken me awhile to figure out exactly what that means but I always knew I wanted something to do with helping people in their lives. Relationships in this life are so essential to not only survival but to happiness. We all need each other. Our community helps mold who we are and who we become. I am so blessed by the people God has brought into my life, no matter how long they stayed. 

"They say death is hardest on the living. It's tough to actually say goodbye. Sometimes it's impossible. You never really stop feeling the loss. It's what makes things so bittersweet. We leave little bits of ourselves behind, little reminders, a lifetime of memories, photos, trinkets, things to remember us by even when we're gone."
"Even though it hurts so bad, I'm thankful for the time God gave me, even though He couldn't make it last. I'm learning how to live without you, even though I don't want to. And even with you gone, love lives on."
"That was the thing. You never got used to it, the idea of someone being gone. Just when you think it's reconciled, accepted, someone points it out to you and it hits you all over again, that shocking."
"As long as we can love each other, and remember the feeling of love we had, we can die without ever really going away. All the love you created is still there. All the memories are still there. You live on-in the hearts of everyone you have touched and nurtured while you were here."

Daddy sometimes it feels like you and were just together cracking jokes. Like it was just last night that I went downstairs to give you a big hug and kiss before bed. Then it feels like ages since I remembered what your voice sounded like.
It scares me to think of forgetting parts of you. I know that its been nine years, but I don't want to lose any memory I had of you just yet. If I start forgetting you now, what will happen when I turn thirty, forty, or fifty?
I am turning twenty years old in a month, Daddy. Can you believe it? Your littlest princess is growing up and leaving the teenage years behind. I wish you could've been there to see it. All the awkwardness and uncomfortableness of my teen years. It was really a sight to see. But I tried to handle it the way I know you would've - with lots of jokes. I am so glad I got that from you. The rest of them don't understand the formula of a great joke. They just don't! I've tried but it's best if it just stays between the two of us.
Sometimes I really wish you would've been there for me through all those years. Mom did well, she really did. I just wish you could've been there too. I wish I could've turned to you and told you all about my first day of high school. If you could've seen me all dress up for my first homecoming, seen me after my first shift at Jewel, seen me get my acceptance letter to college, met my first boyfriend, helped me move into my dorm room, held me through my first heart break, and seen me finally pick my major. When I see others dads around I always wish I could've gotten the chance to have mine there too.
I think what scares me is not knowing how you would've reacted to everything that's happened in the last nine years. I wish I could've seen your face when I came home telling everyone I had a boyfriend, me of all people! I really wish you would've been around so I could talk to you about him. I needed a man's perspective on it all. I hope you're proud of everything I done. I tried to be as smart, brave, and tough and you always were.
Daddy if you could only see Nicole and Melissa today you would be oh so happy at how they've grown up. They're really women now. Nicole has become someone you would have never recognized from her teen years. She is such a fierce woman of God. Nicole has such a deep love and longing for the Lord that you just wouldn't believe. You should see how much the church loves her and how much of her life she lays down for others. You taught her so well. She has gone through so much since you left and shes come out on the other side. She is smart, beautiful, determined, and so wise. She had really helped to fill in the spot you left. I know she's going to be a great mother one day just from the way she talks to me. I wish you could see her. I know you would be so proud of the woman she is and the way she's growing.
Melissa is a miracle all her own. You should see her teaching first graders in Waukegan. Teaching was always her calling and it is so beautiful to see her really doing it. I visited her classroom last month and I almost cried thinking of how proud you would be of her. She is doing what she loves and she does it so well. She is so strong and powerful, not that she wasn't when she was little! She has just blossomed into this amazing woman I never saw coming. She is so mature and wise in all she does. God has transformed her heart and I am so thankful for the way shes grown up. I know she misses you deeply and wishes you were there to see all that I wanted you to too. I can't wait to see the both of them on their wedding days and I'll be sure to give them an extra hug from you. That's what you would've wanted.
I know there'll be so many other things in my lifetime that I will wish you were there to see. I won't be glowing while telling you how my future husband proposed while you have that same smile on your face that was always so warm and welcoming. My heart always hurts when I think of my wedding day and that you won't be walking me down the isle. I won't dance with you on one of the biggest days of my life. You won't meet my children and they will never understand how you were the best tickler this world has ever seen.
I have prepared myself for these disappointments but they still come. I wish I was stronger Daddy. I should be used to this, but I don't know if I ever will. I hope you're smiling down on us all and all we've done. As sad and angry as I am that you had to leave me so early, I am still so thankful to have been given the time I was with you. You were an amazing father and I hope Nicole, Melissa, and I all show it. I love you Daddy. Thanks for being the very best man I've ever known.

love,
Britt

"Try to imagine a life without timekeeping. You probably can't. You know the month, the year, the day of the week. There is a clock on your wall or the dashboard of your car. You have a schedule, a calendar, a time for dinner or a movie. Yet all around you, timekeeping is ignored. Birds are not late. A dog does not check its watch. Deer do not fret over passing birthdays. Man alone measures time, Man alone chimes the hour. And, because of this, man alone suffers a paralyzing fear that no other creature endures: a fear of time running out."

How true is that? We are so driven by our time that we rarely stop to enjoy it. I feel like this is honestly one of my biggest fears in life. I constantly feel the pressure of the clock on my back. Looking over the past day, shaking my head, and saying to myself "there is never enough hours in a day". I often wonder how much of the past (almost) twenty years of my life have been just wasted by my foolishness. How will I ever get that time back? Am I making the time I have worth it?
It's funny how rushed I always feel. The past weeks coming to school have really kicked into gear. It's actually taken me quite a while to even write this post (the irony). I have been trying to figure out my school and work schedule and where I can actually enjoy myself within those moments. I'm finding the balance of life slowly but surely.
It is truly amazing how much time plays into my life. I find that I am often late to anywhere I go. Not usually late to the point of being in trouble but more so late to being early. I like to be on top of my life. I am a control freak. I like to be in charge of  what happens in my life in the parts that I can be. The past year of my life was all me trying to control to the point of losing control so I hope that's done with!
Time is just something that breathes down my neck. Most of my nightmares are of being late. I am in this pursuit to get somewhere and there are all these little tasks holding me back from actually getting there. It could be what I'm going to wear to putting on my makeup to not finding the place. Its just this burning weight inside of me saying "YOU'RE LATE. YOU'RE LATE". To be honest I think it stems from my need to please people. I am obsessed with making others happy around me and I absolutely hate when something is wrong with one of my friends so I do what I can to make sure that I am never the reason behind their troubles.That is stressful in itself.
But I feel like the big scary things of life are just hiding behind my back waiting to overtake me. If it's not my friendships, it's school, or it's money, or loneliness, or my lack of time I spend with God, or work, or just about anything that will just stress me out to the point of just wanting to explode. I feel like my life is a circus act of never getting it right.
I recently chose a major. I am officially a psychology major and I am playing around with the idea of double majoring in Sociology. I am really truly happy about this choice but at the exact second that I walked out of the registrar's office a weight in my stomach fell to the bottom and I was filled with fear. Fear of making a monumentally wrong choice, yet again, and going to far to change it this time. Now I am choosing to ignore this fear because its normal right? I think this is where God wants me to be because He knows my love for people. I really think I want to be a school psychologist. I think it would be awesome to be in the schools or wherever God places me and be there to help gives kids and teens the ability to succeed. I want to give them every opportunity to be happy with their future. I keep telling this to the weight in my stomach and it shrinks a little each time. But as the days go on I wonder if I am going to waste time doing psychology here. I don't think I am but that little voice is in my ear whispering it to me.
I am trying to rise above these doubts and stress of time in my life but it is not easy. I am taking life day by day for now. I want to keep going on with psych and see how I get a feel for it and basically do the same with every aspect in my life. I know I haven't resolved any of my issues but I'm putting it in God's hands. He'll help me through it, I know it. 

"The best day of your life is the one where you decide your life is your own. No apologies or excuses. no one to lean on, rely on, or blame. The gift is yours. It is an amazing journey, and you alone are responsible for the quality of it. This is the day your life really begins."
"The only one who can truly satisfy the human heart is the one who made it."
"There are far, far better things ahead than any we leave behind."

So everyone get this, I am a sophomore in college. Can we all just let that sink that in for a minute? I actually made it here. I'm pretty excited about it too. I'm really getting into this whole "college girl" thing too (not like "girls gone wild" or anything like that - relax). I am truly starting to slowly find who I am and what this whole journey has meant to me. It's really crazy actually. After all the mess that was my freshmen year I am actually working through everything and coming out on the other side. I am starting to become truly and honestly happy again. I cannot tell you how great it feels!
Let me explain to you what has just recently happened that gave me one of the biggest revelations I've ever had. So. The other night I was reading Dreamland by Sarah Dessen. If you have never read it, I highly recommend it. It gives you a whole new look into relationships that you don't get in a typical teen romance. To put in short, Dreamland is about a girl in an abusive relationship. It's one of the most powerful books I've ever read. I could not tell you how many times I have read it, it's just that good.
Back to the story - so I was more than halfway through the book and I was getting tried so I finished a chapter and thought about how toxic some relationships could be and how we can allow ourselves to get swept up into them. Now mind you, my ex boyfriend was no where close to beating me. I am not saying that in the least bit. I was just relating to Caitlin, the main character, in the way that she started to lose herself as her relationship with Rogerson progressed. She let who she was become wrapped up in him. I just sat there and thought how that happened to me just a couple of months ago. After a minute or so I just shrugged it off and turned the light off and started to get comfy in bed. Then when I was laying there peaceful who texts me? My ex boyfriend. It was so out of the blue and I was quite surprised since I had just thought about him. At first I was reserved because of the conflicts we got into this past summer but I loosened up and it went rather well actually. We talked like we were friends and we were finally on good terms. It was nice.
So then he brings up, or rather I kinda bring up this girl he told me he put a picture up of. Turns out they had been hanging out all summer. I kinda figured he had found someone else by now, he had always been a flirt, or at least he got lonely quite often and found himself another girl to fill in. I expected to get jealous and upset over this but surprisingly I was happy. I  had a peaceful heart about it. I mean yeah there is a little pang of jealously here and there but not as bad as I thought it would be. Before when we were no longer officially dating but sort of seeing each other he told me he went on a double date and I sobbed. I know pathetic. Whatever. That's me. But now when he was talking about a girl he had feelings for all summer I was totally cool about it! That's healing for you!
We continued to talk about her for a while and he finally fell asleep on me (very typical him) and I was laying in bed listening to some worship music. Then out of no where it hit me! Matthew 6:19-21(NLT) says, "Don't store up treasures here on earth, where moths east them and rust destroys them, and where thieves break in and steal. Store you treasures in heaven, where moths and rust cannot destroy, and thieves do not break in and steal. Where your treasure is, there the desires of your heart will also be." I remember learning this verse back in Sunday school years ago but it has finally materialized into my life. I realized early on this summer that I did something terrible when I with Kevin. I realized that last year I spent so much time and energy on our relationship trying to make it work or to figure out how to keep him around that I made Kevin into some sort of god in my life. I let my one true God go to the side of my relationship. I wanted to keep Kevin around as long as I could. I was so desperate to keep him in my life I was willing to do anything, including letting the One, who actually loved me for who I was, fall to the floor. I put all of my treasures into him. I put my hopes, my dreams and my happiness in a man who could never fulfill them. He was bound to fail me, not because of who he was, but because he was human. I should've put my effort into God and looking towards him because with Him I am safe. He can give me my desires, better than any man ever could.
Once I realized this I was torn with emotions. I was sad, at first, for the way I treated my Savior who has never turned His back on me. I felt like such an idiot for letting my love for a man stop my love for He who's love never runs out on me. At the same time, I was filled with such happiness and joy. I finally felt the freedom that I am not longer bound by my ex boyfriend. He is officially in my past. I am done with him. Do you know how great that feels?! As I was explaining this all to my mother I was laughing and smiling amidst the tears.
I also began to realize what I had been hearing in my life the past couple of weeks become more audible then ever. I am making a decision to stop looking for men. I was using men to fill a void, the void that only God can truly fill. I had been hearing so many different things that are confirming that I need to leave it all to the Big Man. Let's be honest, He knows what Hes doing! He'll find me someone when He's ready to show him to me. I am focusing on pursuing the true and only lover of my soul. It is honestly a great feeling knowing that I am no longer desperately looking for someone to temporarily fill a void that is impossible to fill. God has my life in control. I don't need to look for the perfect guy or go looking to change someone because they aren't exactly right for my life. My sister told me that the man God has for me will be the man of God I need when I meet him. I believe that whole heatedly. I know my God will choose the right man and for now I can wait because I need to become a better woman of God first. So I am letting go of what I thought dating should be and my need to be involved with someone right now. It's quite a beautiful thing.
As I'm reflecting on my life as I prepare for the school year ahead, I am reminded of what a woman from my church once told me about knowing myself. She said you must know who you are and what you're worth before you let some boy come around telling you all these pretty things about you and you think he was the one who came up with it. Your Heavenly Father is the one who said these things about you before any man. Those things are true and you must know them for yourself before letting yourself believe that some man knows that more than your Creator knows it. I am so thankful for that woman's word to me. I am aways going to know who I am in the Lord and I know I don't need someone to remind me. I am letting go of negativity when I see myself. I must see myself for the way the Lord sees me.
I have also been reflecting on my friendships and the drama I had with them last year. I wanted everyone to like me and for everyone to be my friend. I am coming to the realization that not everyone is going to like me and that I need to let go of that. I need to just accept situations for what they are. Make amends with who I can and let go of those who don't want to be in my life. I cannot fix everything and everyone in my life. I am letting the pieces fall where they may.
Last year was filled with me clutching to things that would never work. Holding on to pain of failure and discontent. This year I want to let go of all those things. It's a new season in my life and I am leaving all of the past behind me. I am ready to see what's ahead of me. The Big Man has got some plans for me I know that for sure! As they say, "let go, and let God"!