Does anyone else ever feel like we are all just bulls in china shops when it comes to the ones we love?


Because that is how I feel all the time. I almost wonder what God's purpose of humans and their relations with one another was originally because look how far we have strayed. So many relationships I have or I have seen others have is flawed and filled with hurts and nicks made by the other person. It just all seems like a never ending cycle of hurting one another in the name of love and trying to mend that crack made from an earlier encounter. We try to love, but how do you do that unconditionally? Now I know there is no perfect relationship outside of every person's with Christ, and let's be honest, that is because He is the perfect half in this equation, but still.


I just wonder if I will have a relationship with someone and it be deep and thoughtful and be without hurting each other. Or is this just all in my head because I am the one who is messed up? Am I the dysfunctional one in this equation? Am I crazy for not knowing how to stop from being this bull with everyone I know? It is as if I cannot physically stop hitting another person, ruining another masterpiece. I don't want to be this person who hurts and hurts and hurts, but I fear that is who I am.


Sorry this is super jumbled and depressing. Just some thoughts I have had lately that I needed to say "out loud". I should be working on Research Methods...story of my life.

Hi guys (or all five of you that read this). So over this semester I have realized that I am a truly terrible horrible person, no like forreal. Not in the whole fake blog way in which I say how bad I am and yet really I am kinda perfect. TRUST ME. I hope that none of you ever ever ever think that I am some saint that has thing whole life thing figured out. If that's what you get from this blog than I am a much worse writer than I thought I was/I may have over emphasized my greatness. Regardless of the reason I am writing this clarify all the misconceptions.

I am flawed. I am weak. I am mean. I am rude. I barley understand/think I am a Christian on most days. My grammar sucks (which you probably already knew from your reading). I don't think eating healthier is tastier no matter how many pretty pictures and blog posts I have seen about it. I suck at being a friend and am astonished to still have some. Reading my bible feels like a chore more days than I'd care to admit.

I could go on and on, but I think you get the picture. Basically, I am in no way special or honorable. I am a person. A squirrely human being who has more issues than she likes to even deal with. But here I am. Please remember these things when reading my blog. I want this to be a very honest place filled with truth. I am not hiding things for you guys. I am just me, flaws and all.

Thanks for listening yall! I hope you have a beautiful and restful Sunday. I am watching Grey's Anatomy with one of my best friends while the windows are open with some beautiful fall air coming through in one of the most amazing cities in the world. These are the best kind of days.

kisses,
B

"Worthy is the Lamb who was slain, the one who broke down the great wall of amenity and gave me His name. How gracious is my Redeemer, King Jesus, the Son of the Highest. What could I possibly give to you, but the fragrance of my hallelujah, hallelujah."

"For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weakness, but one who in every respect has been tempted as we are, yet without sin. Let us then with confidence draw near to the throne of grace, that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need." Hebrews 4:15-16

"God of mercy, sweet love of mine. I have surrendered to your design. May this offering stretch across the skies and these hallelujahs be multiplied."

"But God spoke us into being, He poured out the blood of His Son, and He filled us with His Spirit. The depths of God fill the depths of us. He is withholding nothing. He gave us all of Himself. The God of universes gave every piece of Himself for us."

I am not going to lie to you, this semester has completely worn me out and we are only at the beginning of week 6. I have never been more challenged mentally and physically like this before. I am stretched thinner than ever before. And to top it off I feel like a failure. In my classes I feel as if I am not doing enough when countless hours are poured into my work. In my social life I feel like I am neglecting the people I've always cared spending time with. In my quiet times I feel as if I cannot even come close to some sort of connection because there simply isn't time for it. Even now I am haunted by the fact that I should be doing something. Working on something productive, but to be honest with you these breaks of relaxation are the only things keeping me going.
Trust me, I feel so incredibly blessed to be at a school like Bethel that allows me to explore different schools of thought as well as allow my faith to be tested like never before. The fact that I am able to attend a school that my grandmother would only dream of going to is enough to make me feel unworthy of such an opportunity. And yet I am tired. I am run ragged. I do not feel like I should be allowed to have the title of Christian, student, daughter, sister, and friend because I have done nothing to truly honor that title lately.
And yet, even on my very worst days God still sees my value to have sent His son to die for me. I am in such a amazing position of grace that I cannot even fathom what it means to earn that. My small group leader explained it as if God no longer looks at us the way we should be seen, which is filthy by all of our continual sins against Him. He sees Christ's act of love as a filter over us. He only sees Jesus' imagine in us. I was made in the image of God and am seen in Christ's. Brittany, the failure and the most unworthy of grace was made in the image of God, Imago Dei. And you wanna hear something that is just as crazy?! That ever since Christ died for you and me He has been up there praying or us. He is sitting there whispering, singing, wailing, and interceding that we may be transformed even more into the Father's imagine. That we would continually choose Him to chase after. Even when I am at my weakest The Lord sees my value and sees my potential. What kind of love is that? Who am I to worship someone as great as that? I am left in awe.

"We ain't picture perfect, but we worth the picture still"
"All hands in the air and don't have a care when her songs on the radio. A little crazy with a blue jean tear, gets a RayBan's stare just about everywhere we go. She likes to get down, sippin' on coke and smiles (edited version tehe), Jesus and gypsy soul. Yeah, that's how she rocks, that's how she rolls."
"The more we let God take us over, the more truly ourselves we become - because He made us."

Now that we are halfway through September I feel as if I should give some sort of summer wrap up post. Considering I am back at school and have been for three weeks... sorry guys I am a procrastinator. I cannot believe how quickly the days and months pasted. I swore it was May last week. As quickly as this summer moved I think it is one that I am quite proud of. This has been a summer of challenges and of happiness. There is has been so many amazing things that have happened and a lot of mundane things that I found just that much more beautiful than I ever have before.

To be honest, I think this summer has been one of the happiest and healthiest (emotionally anyways ;) ) I have had in a while. I have found what it means to be happy on my own. Now this may seem quite ordinary for anyone else, but for someone who lived most of her life waiting for someone else to be the source of my happiness this was not an easy task. The Lord opened my heart to all new experiences this summer that let me take chances to try things that made my heart sing. There is absolutely nothing better than hearing that melody. Once you realize why you were designed to love certain things and you actually embrace them you will never want to go back to what you thought made you happy.

Even though this summer was filled with all the greatness of happiness it was not except of its hardships. First, many of you (the like 5 people who read this, shout out to yall!) knew that I was planning on going to Kenya in May for a small missions trip with some students from my college. However, due to some civil unrest in the capitol it was decided that it was not safe enough to go. I was pretty upset at the news. I locked myself in my grandmothers room while I cried and watched the season finale of Grey's Anatomy because I just wanted to be alone to cry.
It was something that I was beyond excited to be apart of and that I had prepared for emotionally for months. Africans have always been dear to me and after taking an African Literature and Film class last year I feel even deeper in love. It was like the Kenya trip was perfect for me. The people of Kenya have this joy that is so infectious. I've watched numerous films on their lives and history and each time I craved to go and be immersed into their culture and possibly get to feel their joy. I was also super excited to be apart of the medical camp we were going to work alongside. I am not an aspiring doctor or nurse, but I do appreciate medicine and the care physicians put in. Overall, I was just crushed that I would not be present for any of this.
After I let myself cry for an hour I started to think more rationally. It was incredibly unsafe for a group of twenty primarily white Americans to be traveling in a hostile foreign country. I did learn that the medical camp went on without us and that the Kenyans in that area stepped up more than ever to put it on. It made my mama-like heart proud. I know that God had something worked up His sleeve from the beginning. Though I have yet to see its fruit I am trying to trust the Lord through His will.

Another challenge this summer brought was that I decided to start serving on my church's tech team. I have never been a "techie", so when my sister suggested it I wasn't sure but I tried anyways. I decided to try my hand at media, which is basically being in charge of all that is projected during service. I wasn't sure how difficult the work would be, but I figured I would figure it all out. It turned out to be tougher than I thought! Turns out they don't use PowerPoint, but Pro presenter. I have fallen in love with the program after several weeks, but it was love/hate at first.
I struggled with the technical aspects as well as my own insecurity. I quickly realised that when I made a mistake during service it was made perfectly clear to anyone watching the screen. I also had to work closely alongside the lights and sound technicians. They were all very welcoming and helpful when I needed it. Even after my worst week, where I htought I basically ruined the service they were all very encouraging and showed me where to correct my errors. I have never been apart of a ministry team I loved more. It's quite sad that I won't be able to serve on the media team again until the end of the semester because it has become so much easier and just plain old fun!

This summer I completed my very first internship! I completed 100 hours interning for the FACE-IT program. It is a residential program in which boy, age 13-17, who have been convicted of different crimes, live on this unit as a alternative to serve their sentencing. They complete schoolwork, do family therapy as well as individual and trauma therapy. It is one of the absolute coolest programs I have ever seen! There were about eight boys there and I was able to sit in on their experience in the program, get to know some of them, and even help tutor some of them. It was an interesting experience and one of my favorite parts of this summer. It was my first adult work experience of waking up for a 9-5 and putting on the business casual. The dress code was a challenge at first. Most jobs I have had in the past either had a very casual dress code or a uniform, so this was new. This internship was also special because you had to be aware of how your clothes fit. Being a woman working with teenage boys you had to be aware of how tight or low anything was sitting. I even experienced this when during one of my last weeks a participant said under his breath that I had a "fatty", which if you are not fluent in current ghetto speech means a big butt. It was quite embarrassing even if it was only said between two people. It reminded me of the reality of the job.
I loved seeing not only the work done in the unit, but the teamwork done throughout the whole detention center. Everyone worked together there as a team. I enjoyed getting to see a snippet of that. I was also able to see many things and learn many thing I would've never experienced. I honestly could go on and on about my internship, it was just that good. Everyone I worked with taught me something special that I hope to take with me forever.

Overall, I just think the greatest aspect of this summer of realizing all of those people around me who just truly love me. It's funny how you have so many people who are just apart of your life and you rarely think of the impact they've made on you.
A friend of mine from high school is not the type of girl you would picture me being friends with. We have very different styles and ways that we live our lives. Most people who find out we are still friends are surprised that we hang out together because we are so different, and yet here we are. Two years since graduating high school and we still meet up whenever we get the chance. Part of the reason is because this girl has the biggest heart. She loves on people more than I've seen some Christians do. She has always been there for me and willing to do anything for me when I needed it. I am so blessed to have maintained such a strong friendship with someone so different from me.
There are also numerous people from church who are constantly praying for me and encouraging me. I could not tell you how much I love my church. Forreal though, I have never seen a church body as united as we are. I know this sounds boastful but its the truth! My church body is fierce! They are such an amazing group of believers that understand you wherever you are in life. They love on your regardless of how you treat them. I was honored this summer to serve alongside them.

This summer taught me to live in the moment. I learned so much from so many different people and experiences. I was embracing what it meant to be Brittany and I loved every minute. There were moments when I was driving home in my '97 Volvo with the sunroof open just letting the air run through my hair and my music blaring where I just breathed in how beautiful my life truly is. I may have moments of doubts and hardships, but those moments where I see how much Christ has in store for my future and how much transformation He has done, I am in awe of it all. I am in awe that I live the life I do and am anticipating what is next. But until then, I am embracing the spectacular now.

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"Give all your worries and cares to God, for He cares about you." 1 Peter 5:7
"You keep track of all my sorrows. You have collected all my tears in your bottle. you have recorded each one in your book." Psalm 56:8
"From eternity Lord, You dreamed of me. From eternity You loved me completely"
"But the time is coming - indeed it's here now - when you will be scattered, each one going his own way, leaving me alone. Yet I am not alone because the Father is with me. I have told you all this so that you may have peace in me. Here on earth you will have many trials and sorrows. But take heart, because I have overcome the world." John 16:32-33
"So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with My righteous right hand." Isaiah 41:10

Lately I have been feeling quite lonely and insignificant. I feel like I am just passing through this life and anyone I try to interact with is just brushing me by. It's a crazy that when you live in the closest proximity to people you can feel most alone.

I am reminded that Christ felt this everyday of His life on earth. I could not even imagine what it would feel like to love every single person He came into contact with and be turned away. He was mocked by the people He loved enough to die for. If that doesn't make you feel lonely and insignificant I don't know what would. How comforting is it to know that I worship a God who has felt every form of sadness. He grieved, He cried, and He suffered all for the very people who sentenced Him to death.

I am not writing this because I have mastered this, I am writing this because I am a work in progress. I need to be able to come back to this and remember why I need to place my trust in the Lord.

"'Oh, but I don't feel worthy.' Of course you are not worthy! Not all your praying or obedience can ever make you worthy. Leave yourself absolutely in His hands, and see that you plunge yourself deep down in faith of the revelation that you are made one with God through the Redemption of Jesus Christ."

"To learn, you must love discipline;" Proverbs 12:1a

"Darling girl, why do you cry yourself to sleep every night praying for someone to come along and give you love? To stay up with you till three in the morning and listen attentively as you list off all of you passions, worries, burdens. To be envious of your attention. To kiss your forehead and hold you without judgement. To be there for you when you feel alone. To assure you everything will be okay and remind you that every sunrise and crashing wave is a chance to make things right. When I'm right here waiting for you with open arms, ready to replenish every empty space in your heat, because although you're imperfect and you hate the way your front tooth is slight crooked I see you perfectly. Darling girl, why haven't you opened your eyes to realize that I've been here for you all along."

"Yahweh, Yahweh, great is your glory. You go before me. Oh, we sing, 'Holy, Holy, Your ways are lovely, so high above me'. Yahweh."

I have wondered what it will feel like to fall in love again. I have always imagined what it would feel like to have someone who felt so deeply for me. What it will feel like when someone looks at me and sees their future. I know few girls who don't think about these things. I have started to find that falling in love for me might not be about a man. Not now anyways.
I have been trying to challenge myself to figure out what it means to love this invisible God that I follow. I call myself a follower of Jesus, but am I really doing it? Everyone I know who is a Christian talks about how much they love the Lord. Let's be honest when you're desperately and hopeless in love with someone all you want to do it talk about them to just about anyone who will listen. I know people who feel this way about Christ. I want to be like those people. I want to long to be in His presence daily. I want to be so in need of Him that I cannot start a day without Him there with me. As much as it pains me to admit this, I'm just not there yet. And to be completely honest, I have no idea when I'll get there.
But isn't that the beauty of falling in love?
I think falling in love should be done in whatever time it wants to happen. It could happen in a quick sweep or grow slowly over time. There are negatives to both, but there is so much good too. I'm working on my relationship with Him. As any Jesus lovers would all know, it's not easy to do this day in and day out. We live in a world that does not have Christ as it's center. We are taught to love only ourselves and things or people that will get us more love.
I've had trouble loving God because of the way I know of love. I saw the love my parents shared when I was young and I saw what romantic love felt like personally when I was in it. The problem I have with understanding the Father's love is that I have trouble understanding how long lasting it is. I am plagued with the thoughts of when the person I loved stopped loving me and when my the love of my mother's life died. Regardless comparing His love to them is just crazy. I think we as humans cannot truly understand His love until we are in the Heavenly courts with Him.
The problem is how am I to continue on in my journey to love Him while I am just a lowly sinner down on earth? Something I've been meditating on while I workout is Psalm 13:5-6. I read it over and over again until it is completely burned in my eyelids. The only way I am able to start falling in love with Christ is by trusting Him. I don't know about you, but for me it's hard to simply trust in something I cannot see. Trusting in something that I cannot manipulate and control. That honestly scares me. I want things my way and I don't mind having to take it over to get it there. So trusting the Lord sure has been a test I was not ready for.
In my small group we are studying David and his heart for God and how he trusted Him through it all. Psalm 13 opens with "O LORD, how long will you forget me? Forever? How long will you look the other way?". I have lived in that season for oh so long. I may have been attending church and a Christian school, but at the very depth of my heart I was saying these words. I went through such a season of sadness and hate and am still seeing how it has carried on until now. I have started to realize that I began hating people of my past.
I woke up this morning after a dream that included my ex boyfriend and his girlfriend and I was angry. I could not tell you why he was in my dream but there he was and I not only hated him and this girl I know nothing about, but I hated myself. I hated myself for thinking about them and for hating them. It's quite the vicious cycle. So naturally I went on with my morning trying not to think about it.
Later as I was listening to "Keep Your Eyes Open" by NEEDTOBREATHE I heard the line "Don't let the fear become the hate. Don't take the sadness to the grave." I almost broke down crying right there on the elliptical. My mentor actually pointed this out to me months ago, but looks like my stubbornness is still taking some time to understand. I live in this fear that I will never find love again. I begin to think that I will be alone forever and that scares me. So much so that I begin to hate my ex boyfriend because he not only does he no longer love me, but because he loves someone else. The craziest part of it all is that I don't want to be with him and I haven't wanted to in over a year, but here we are. I became jealous of his happiness. How screwed up is that? I need to stop this because trust me I do not want to hate him. I want to be fine and old friends one day. I am not at the point of becoming friends with him but I know that I do not want to hate him any longer. If you are in fact somehow reading this, please forgive me for hating you for so long.
In this realization I have also realized that I need to stop chasing love. I know I spoke of this on an older post (see to not looking to the left or to the right), but it turns out I need more practice at it. It has taken me a date with a nice guy, who was just that a nice guy and conversations with others men who were not who I truly saw myself being with to realize that I need to just stop. I obviously have no idea what I'm doing when it comes to looking for men so I need to leave it to the Big Guy. But before He can do all that for me I need to fall in love.
When I repeat Psalm 13:5-6 to myself I edit it here and there to see how true these words are in my life. This little passage was after David had his pity party of questioning why God had led him to this place. He knew better about the Lord he served.
"But I trust in your unfailing love" even when I do not understand why you are allowing me to feel these things. "I trust in your unfailing love" even when I cannot comprehend what love that never ends is. "I will rejoice because you have rescued me" from myself and my selfish desires. "I will rejoice because you have rescued me" even when I was filled with anger towards you. "I will rejoice because you have rescued me" for something that is beyond my wildest dreams. "I will sing to the LORD because he is good to me", has been good to me, and will continue showing His favor in my life. Falling in love to me is not just butterflies and stolen glances. Falling in love means falling and trusting that who you love will be there to catch you. Although my flesh fills me with doubt and I am constantly failing at this, I am still trusting in my God.

"And I am sure that God, who began the good work within you, will continue His work until it is finally finished on that day when Christ Jesus comes back again." Philippians 1:6
"Then Christ will make His home in your hearts as you trust in Him. Your roots will grow down into God's love and keep you strong." Ephesians 3:17

Here is what I believe to be true about this world:
I believe that God is the Almighty King of this universe. His power can protect me from all the fears that I build up inside. I believe that Jesus was sent to this earth to die for me, that although I am a lowly sinner His love covers all. I believe that although I have trouble feeling that love and truly relying on what He thinks of me I know that He is there. Even when I feel the most distant from Him I am going to choose Him. Even though He makes me question everything around me I believe that I am going to do my very best to chase after Him. Even when I have trouble seeing that He has saved me for something much better and worthwhile than I will ever see, I believe I am learning to trust Him.

I believe that the single most important reason that I work out is so that I do not die. I work out to be fit, skinny, and healthy; sure, those things mean something to me, but they are not everything. I do not believe that being less than 130 pounds makes you beautiful. Our society screams, "Get skinnier!" while I am screaming for ice cream. I believe that the truest of all beauties have it in their eyes. In the way they sparkle when they laugh or speak on what they love. I am not concerned if you have a thigh gap as much as I care about if there is a gap in your heart from the love you're missing.
I believe to work out is to delay death. Now don't misquote me, I am a believer of death. I believe that death is an amazing end and beginning. The struggle and hurt are all gone in an instant and you are in the presence of the Almighty Savior. How could that be wrong? I believe that death is hardest for the living. Those who have to keep trudging on after you are gone. They are left filled with memories and what-ifs. They are the ones I feel bad for. I want to prolong death if only for those that love me, so that they will not be left hurting. I have seen what can happen to a man's body when it turns against him, and I do not wish that on anyone, especially not my family. I believe death is good, but I do not want my death to hurt others, thus I work out.

I believe in dancing. That to dance as if no one is watching you is one way to let go of your cares. When I dance I do so without a need of reassurance. I do it for myself, most of the time. The other times are when I dance for my Abba, I believe that He is smiling down at me and truly enjoying my worship. Dancing frees the mind and the soul. It fills me with happiness and joy. Sometimes you just need to "dance it out"! (Please tell me you knew that was a Grey's Anatomy reference)

I believe in crying. Anyone who really and truly knows me will know that I cry. A lot. I like to believe that crying is a spiritual gift of sorts. I do not think the Lord would give me the ability to feel everything all without it having a purpose. I believe crying is renewal to the spirit. It cleanses you and makes you feel hope. Crying and Jesus is the only way I get through life.

I believe that the only way I see God's love is through His people. I have been told I'm a "people-person" and I would say that without a shadow of a doubt that is true. I find that the only way I can continuously believe in Him is to see how others continue on to pursue Him even when they have nothing. When I see the way people lay their pride, comfort, and own desires down for the benefit of another that, my friends, is when I see Jesus. I see Him through my Mama Luz's wrinkles, through my mother's tears, through my sister's smiles. I saw Him in my father's laugh. The deepest and greatest sense of joy that flows out of their lives is where I see Jesus.

I believe in community, as much as it can hurt and as much as I push it away, I still believe. We were made for one another. Everyone in this world relies on others. You are not an island, so stop acting like one. I know that all of the trials I have seen I could not have made it without those people constantly surrounding me and encouraging me, even when I wanted nothing more than to be alone. Keep those who love you close, for they see all the beautiful things about you that you'll never see looking in the mirror.

I believe that there will be someone out there that will love me until the end of my days. He will want to discover what it means to be Brittany. He will want to know what makes my heart start and stop. He will be interested in the words that have yet to come out of my mouth because he knows that they will mean something. He will be not be consumed with love for me, but for Our Father. He will be the man of God that I have been waiting for. I do not need to spend time aimlessly talking to these boys who claim to be men and yet are too concerned with chasing "fun" as if college and high school did not end a while ago. I believe that I am worth more than that. I will be with that man who will know how to be responsible. This man will be the father of my children and I will never question his ability to lead.

I believe that although my life is nowhere near what I thought it was going to be, it is going somewhere. This life is filled with so many failures and regrets, but you cannot let them hold you back. I believe that the devil is a liar. I know that from time to time I listen to his lies that I will never be good enough, that I am unworthy of love, that I am going nowhere, and that I am worthless. I believe that one day I will see the crushing of his head under the foot of my Savior. All of the lies I constantly hear will never amount to anything because I am a daughter of the Most High. As hard as it may be to believe it all the time I believe that J Moss is right when he sings that "God's Got It". I believe that Philippians 1:6 is truth. I believe that one day I will be in Heaven with The Lord and no longer worry about these milestones that we find so important here on earth. I believe that my only thoughts will be on praising my Savior. That is what I want my life goal to be from here on out. That all that I am be filled with praises for Him. I want my life to reflect only Him. I believe that He is the only constant in this life.

"Because you have turned from the God who can save you. You have forgotten the Rock who can hide you." Isaiah  17:10
"Even now my witness is in heaven. My advocate is there on high. My friends scorn me, but I pour out my tears to God." Job 16:19-20
"Guard your heart above all else, for it determines the course of your life." Proverbs 4:23
"I want you to show love, not offer sacrifices. I want you to know me more than I want burnt offerings." Hosea 6:6
"They traded the truth about God for a lie. So they worshipped and served the thing God created instead of the Creator himself, who is worthy of eternal praise! Amen." Romans 1:25
"Let all that I am wait quietly before God, for my hope is in Him." Psalm 62:5

Something that has been testing me lately is my ability to not only be content in my life, but to focus on the Lord in the valley. It's no secret that 2013 was quite the unlucky year for me. I'm pretty sure just about anyone who was around me then could tell. However, I am trying to put this all behind me. That is why this past New Year's just felt absolutely freeing. I felt as if I was a new person, and to be honest, I have been kinda acting like one.
This past semester being back at school has been one of my best. I started reading my Bible daily (I read one Psalm, one Proverb, and a chapter from whatever book I am working through). I realized being in a New Testament class last semester that I am so unaware of what the Bible says, and that kinda scared me. I feel as if I cannot truly know the Yahweh I want to know without reading His word. So I have started working my way through the Old Testament (can you tell by the verses I quoted? (; ). Nothing has been super earth shattering just yet, but I am really enjoying being able to sit and quiet the world swirling around me and be with my Lord.
I have also started doing many other activities this semester. I have started taking weekly Zumba and Hip-Hop Fitness classes at a gym/community center that Bethel has a plan through. It has been so beautiful dancing twice a week. Honestly I know that I am a terrible dancer, but let me tell you I was made to dance. Weeks where my roommate and I have to skip for some reason always makes me a little blue. Some of my happiest moments throughout the week are in that dance room just letting go of all my cares and all of my fears. I have no worry about what a fool I look like or how much better people are than me. There is literally a smile on my face the whole hour. It is my favorite. Oh, also my roommate and I decided to join the gospel choir at our school! We have only had one rehearsal so far, but I can tell I am going to love it!
I am continuing to meet with one of my mentors, Roberta. That is fun. She always has something witty to say when I tell her about my week. I have also joined another Bible study in my dorm. I am in a group of about five girls and we are working through the armor of God passage in Ephesians 6. We read a verse or two a week and just talk about what it means to have the armor of God. It has been great getting to know some girls in my dorm better. I am really happy with how that is going.
Now after all that I've said you may be thinking, "so weren't you saying something about how difficult it was to be content?" and trust my I'm getting there! I am content in areas in my life but I wanted to add some other areas in here to remind myself of how blessed I am. Things are going really well in my life. The area that I am learning to be content in is my love life (big surprise coming from me, I know). I have been single for a year now. Just about 90% of the time I am absolutely okay with it. I know that this is where I am supposed to be and that's okay. But don't we all know that in those moments the enemy knows how to grab a foothold of you and causes you to doubt. There are definitely moments where I stop and think "why am I alone?" "what about me God?". It's especially difficult being around people who are in love or who are falling for someone. Lonely hearts club here I come!
There have been moments lately where I start to have feelings for someone or see someone attractive, its only natural. That's where the devil sneaks in. He starts to whisper lies about how lonely I am, how I will never be loved, how much better I would be with them, how they will never want me. Want to know the saddest part? I believe him.
I have been reading Redeeming Love by: Francine Rivers lately (because everyone and their mother has recommended it to me) and it is a beautiful recreating of Hosea. It follows the story of Angel, a prostitute, that is so cold and broken inside that she believes that men are only good for using women however they please. One day she encounters a man, Michael Hosea, who is struck by his love for her. The Lord gave him the message that Angel was to be his wife. That didn't make a lot of sense to anyone. A prostitute and a farmer? How would that ever work?
[SPOILER ALERT] Angel and Michael marry and this causes a lot of tension because Angel wanted nothing to do with men because every other man in her life used her. She stays with Michael for a while and finally flees when she gets the chance. God tells Michael to go back after her. He is able to bring her back after much fight. Over the time they spend together and the constant grace Michael gives her, Angel begins to fall in love with him. She had grown up seeing her mother love a man who never cared for her and Angel vowed to never be like that. So her new found love for Michael obviously scared her and yup, you guessed it! She left once again. God told Michael to go back again and get her. He convinces her that the love they share is not wrong. It is what God intended for them. She decided to return with him because her love for him caused her to desperately long for him that she could not be without him. They are happy again and in love. Angel begins to in her own way become so consumed with him that she almost worshiped him. They spend more time together and Michael tries to tell Angel about God, but she will have nothing to do with Him. He has done nothing good in her life so why should she even bother? She lets Michael read to her from the Bible, but she is more in love and memorized by the sound of his voice than the words he is speaking. She begins to realize that no matter how much she loves Michael she is not the right wife for Him. She is unable to give him everything he needs. Angel decided to leave him again for a third and final time. She plans the night before to spend every last second with Michael to tuck into her memory. Michael can tell by the look in her eye that she is going to leave again. This wrecks him. He pleads to God asking what he should do. The Lord tell him to let her go. That just baffles Michael. God was the one who told him to marry her and to love her and now he was just supposed to let her go? After she leaves he is filled with anger and with sadness. He cannot understand why God would leave him in this moment. Then God gives Michael the truth. This is the part that really hit me. God finally says "'You shall have no other gods before me.' That can't be right. Michael's anger grew. 'When have I worshiped anyone but you?' He raged again. 'I've followed you all my life. I've never put anyone before you.' Hands fisted, he wept. 'I love her, but I never made her my god.' In the calm that followed his angry torrent of words, Michael heard - and finally understood. 'You became hers.'"
Wow oh wow, did that sound familiar. I know what it means to make other gods. As I have been reading through the Old Testament I see the story of Israel and I feel as if I am seeing my own life play out. God brought me out of slavery and what do I do? I find another idol to serve. It sounds so stupid to say aloud. Why would I ever reject Him? The one who truly loves me! And yet it happens so quickly and silently. Little by little you slip away until it takes you whole. I heard a quote by Philip Yancey yesterday that said, "When lesser gods attract, Christ withdraws, honoring our fatal freedom to ignore Him". Isn't that terrifying? I have been in this place where I am realizing that this is the reason I need to be single. I have trouble staying true to The Lord. I want to be in love with Him. I am working so hard to be, but I am not there yet. This is why when the devil whispers I wonder, "what else is out there?"
I honestly believe that God has someone waiting for me down at the end of the line, but I think to be honest, He is jealous. I have looked just about everywhere else but at my God to find happiness, meaning, and love.
At this past Onething conference that I went to I was able to go to the prophecy room. I was told exactly what I was going through by women who knew nothing about me. God was whispering in their ears all the thoughts He had for me. It was crazy and absolutely awesome. So one woman was telling me that it may feel as if I'm crying out saying "why is this happening to me? why are You doing this to my heart?", which it honestly has been. Then she said that He wants the response of my heart to chase after Him. He wants me to search Him out. He is giving me the ability to walk through this valley so that I will not turn my head left or right and not letting my heart be swayed, but keeping it focused on Him. So that I will come out as one leaning on her Beloved. I will come out with a peace and a confidence of who I am and who He has called me to be.
Every time I think about those thoughts of my Yahweh I am so mad at myself for listening to that dumb devil. I am doing to come out of this valley with my Beloved. I am done making idols in my life. There shall be no other God before Him.
Now saying all these pretty words and feeling all puffed up about the Big Guy fighting for me is truly great. It really is. But that doesn't make it any easier in the day to day. I have to constantly tell myself that I am not in this place to look for another temporary fix. I do not need another band-aid for this broken heart. I am looking for the Healer of all healers. So I cannot be swayed by pretty faces and compliments from guys who will mean nothing to me. Men who may even be really good for me, like Michael was for Angel, they can still become idols (Is it just me or does that freak anyone else out?). This is why I am relying on God. I am working to learn more and more about Him so that one day I will understand what all of these trials have meant and I will come out in love with my Creator. I may have to remind myself day after day why I am doing this, but in the end I know it will be worth it. As for now, I will wait quietly before Yahweh without turning my head to the left or to the right.

Over winter break I attended the Onething conference put on by IHOPKC. This was my ninth year going, but this year I feel as if my ears were really open. I was moved by just about every session and every song. Let me tell you, if you have never worshipped with 30,000 other believers before you should try it! It was a beautiful experience. One of the nights I even stopped and thought about how much my father would have loved attending these conferences with us. Right after, however, I was laughing at myself for such a thought. I was sad that my dad was not able to come with us to worship our God together and yet that is what he is doing 24/7 in heaven! He is worshipping Yahweh with a countless number of people in the very presence of our Savior. Onething or any other conference can no where compare to THAT magnitude. I cannot wait for that day when I stand with the the elders and the angels and repeating "Holy Holy is our LORD God Almighty". Ahh just to think of that day is a glorious thought in itself!